Sunday, September 28, 2008

Undeserved Grace

My husband came home today and hands me a CD and a card with my name on it (the writing is not his). As I take the card my first thought is, oh I must have blessed somebody in some way. Um, not exactly, in fact I would say quite the opposite. As I opened the card my eyes immediately fell on the signature and before I could even read it, I dropped into a chair and began to sob. My daughter rushed to my side, took the card, and then without even trying to console me acknowledged in a nod that I just need to work through it. I immediately listened to the CD and just turned to Christ in repentance.

Not only do I not deserve to be blessed by this friend, I should be rebuked and admonished. I have absolutely sucked at being a friend on many levels. First, I had an opportunity to be an instrument in reconciliation, yet I chose to not get involved—I was a coward. I didn’t know or even understand the entire situation and instead of being led by my heart, I was led by my fear of man. Second, during what must be an incredibly challenging trial, I have been absent.

She’s been on my heart every day. I think about her often and pray for her a lot. I have every intention of reaching out, an email, a phone call, or some encouraging word; yet I allow my own self-centeredness and idea of busyness get in the way of doing just that. I miss her like crazy. I miss sharing with her the details of everyday life, the silly things I do and say, the chaotic moments when the burdens feel almost too much to bear. I miss hearing her heart for Jesus. I love reading her blogs, but those are the finished product. I miss hearing her in the midst of the struggle, the reconciling of her heart, mind, and convictions. I miss hearing the same CD replay itself over and over. Now that it’s getting colder, I even miss the warmth of a too hot room.

The CD is Chris Tomlin’s new CD and it is amazing. It even has one of my new favorite songs on it, God of this City. We sing this song at church and I think I’m the loudest one there singing it, it’s beautiful. I think it’s especially meaningful because my friend has remembered a small detail about me, that I really love his songwriting and music. Thank you for the CD, it will always be a treasure.

So my dear friend, I ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for my unwillingness to stand in the gap on your behalf, for not being a friend in time of need, and for minimizing our friendship. I thank you for being Jesus to me in the midst of it, and reminding me of what undeserved grace really is. With love, Gina