Redeemed by His Grace

Thankful for Gentle Strength

2012-01-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

I am a week behind and we are only three weeks into January…not a good sign. To be honest, I’ve struggled this past week with being thankful for anything. I have been agitated, angry, bitter, and quite comfortable in my entitlement.

After a series of breakdowns and emotional outbursts what I can honestly say I’m most thankful for in this moment is my husband’s gentle strength. I watch him struggle and work through our current circumstance but the moment he sees that I am spinning or struggling to see the hope of God; he stops, pulls himself out of his self-centeredness and gently leads me back to the truth. He has a strength about him that is not about powering through or being a tough guy, he leads me through his own tears and his own fears and his unwavering faith. It’s a beautiful gift to watch my husband suffer well and live out his dependence and need for a God that has lavished him with grace, mercy, and truth.

As I start to panic and fret and control…he gently guides me back to the truth that has given me peace the last few months. The truth that God and God alone is the one in control and God decides what is good and what is next; that we can truly find comfort and peace in the knowledge that we belong to God and only because He decided so.

Thank you Mr. for being a constant reminder of who Jesus is; not by your own strength but by His.

Thankful I’m not “Making it Happen”

2012-01-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

In seasons of not knowing what is next, I have a sinful habit of wanting to just get a glimpse of what God has for us and then taking charge and "making it happen". This has played out numerous times in our eight years of marriage. In regards to our struggle with infertility, we had some interesting conversations around “making it happen”. I am thankful that we ultimately decided the best plan was God’s plan whatever that might be.

At the root of “making it happen” is a desire for me to define what I believe is good. I wrestle with the situation, decide what a good (or redemptive) outcome looks like, and I take charge to ensure my desired outcome happens.

You would think I would take more cues from the bible and see that “making it happen” outside of God’s timing and will is not wise or beneficial or ultimately good (as I would define it). We see a picture of this in Genesis 16 when Abram and Sarai, understanding what God had promised them, but not having faith in His timing take things into their own hands.

¹ Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. ² And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the LORD has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children^[a] by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. ³ So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. ⁴ And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.^[b] ⁵ And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the LORD judge between you and me!” ⁶ But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her.

It has been a hard season of not knowing or understanding what God is calling us to (specifically). God has made it clear what ultimately He is asking but has not given us much clue about where, when, or how. It has been a hard season of knowing what He’s called us to and being patient as we wait for the specifics of what that would look like. I believe God has left me (us) in the dark intentionally so that I would not move forward to “make it happen”. This has been a season of walking in faith and trusting God with all things. If I knew what He was doing and where He was sending us, I wouldn’t need to sit in faith; I could just move forward.

I am thankful for His timing and that He has given me the peace and (little) understanding of our next season so that these past few months would be about Him. As I begin to see things gaining momentum and things falling into place at just the right moment I am fully aware of how comforting it is to rest in His presence and trust that He has defined all good in my life.

Thankful for Communion by Intimate Participation

2012-01-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

So as I start the New Year with thankfulness, I honestly had no idea where to start. I’m actually feeling pretty angry and hurt by many things; however God is showing me a lot in this season.

As we drove home from our 8th Anniversary getaway to Leavenworth, I tried to look out the window and name that one thing to start my New Year’s blog of Thankfulness off with, but the anger and bitterness in my heart kept me from really appreciating the beauty of which I was seeing.

Truth is, I’m hurting, deeply. I feel the strain of awkward relationship, friendships on hold, friendships drowning…Some had to happen this way due to the season we are in, some chose this, some have just naturally evolved here, all painful. I would not have picked this season, I certainly have struggled to call this season “good” but it is the season we are in and I’ve had to fight a lot of lies to see truth and beauty in this season.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I am reading Ann Voskamp’s book “One Thousand Gifts” and felt challenged to blog about what I am thankful for, not as an exercise in discipline but an awareness of how often I don’t appreciate the gifts I have been given. Today, Voskamp wrote a blog about naming 2012 The Year of Koinonia (http://www.aholyexperience.com/). I am not a stranger to the word Koinonia because I have a theology loving husband that often goes to the root Greek word to find meaning but I went the quick route of Wiki to come up with articulate definition for this blog…

Koinonia is the anglicisation of a Greek word (κοινωνία) that means communion by intimate participation. The word is used frequently in the New Testament of the Bible to describe the relationship within the Early Christian church as well as the act of breaking bread in the manner which Christ prescribed during the Passover meal [John 6:48-69, Matthew 26:26-28, 1 Corinthians 10:16, 1 Corinthians 11:24]. As a result the word is used within the Christian Church to participate, as Paul says, in the Communion of - in this manner it identifies the idealised state of fellowship and community that should exist - Communion.

Communion by intimate participation, beautiful! It identifies the idealized state of fellowship and community that should exist. So first, thank you Ann Voskamp for the ways in which you write and use imagery that captures my heart and gets me feeling again. Second, I am truly thankful for a small (unbelievably real) community of friendship that God has placed before me in this season. It is real, it is authentic, it is life-giving, and it is full of the gospel.

This small group of friends (all individually) have reached in and continued to pursue, love, seek, and seek, and seek. All have continued to let us know they are here and desire to know how to love and serve us. They have not been ok with “we are good” answers and when they receive the “we are good” answers continue to camp out on our couch or in or voicemails or in our emails waiting until we can give an honest and authentic response to “how are you doing”? This group of friends have let us stir and struggle in our sin and confusion and have gently pointed us to the cross and helped us see where we are in sin and where what we are experiencing is a righteous anger. They have allowed us to process and vent and not let it be a stumbling block for them. This group of friends span along the I5 corridor and have lived closely and intimately with us as well as from a far.

I am thankful for their regular calls, their regular emails, and their regular invitations. Sometimes it’s seeking and sometimes it’s just waiting or listening. I am thankful for them either way. I am thankful that God has given us the right kind of community at the right time in our life. I am also thankful that He has called us to some friendships in their time of need and that He doesn’t leave it to me to define.

This second day of 2012 I am most thankful for the friendships we have in this season and pray that I can be a godly friend in return.

Journey to Thanksgiving

2011-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

I am currently reading One Thousand Gifts A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp right now. Ladies, this is one you will want in your library; it is poetically written and theologically sound! The book has me thinking a lot about thankfulness and realizing how much I have always taken and still take for granted. My ex-husband used to always call me an ingrate, and although he was coming from a mean and sinful spirit, I think there is some truth to my ingratitude. I have taken many gifts for granted and rarely do I step back and reflect upon nor thank God for all I have been given.

I am contemplating (hopefully can commit to) writing a weekly blog on what I am thankful for in 2012. Ann Voskamp (I’m only in the 3rd chapter) writes about the 1000 gifts she is thankful for through a series of lists. I am not a list person and I know what one formula works for one does not work for another but I would like to reflect more on what I am thankful for and rather than this being an exercise in discipline, I am hoping this just makes me more aware of what I constantly take for granted. Although I don’t plan to start this until next week, I really do want to take a few minutes and reflect on one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me…my husband.

1) Jesus: Nothing More, Nothing Less. He always points me to Jesus. The one thing I think my husband probably desires most for me is to see Jesus rightly. Since our first conversation, he has always pointed me to the cross to find healing and rest.

2) Jesus: White as Snow. I am thankful my husband sees me as Jesus sees me…white as snow. He does not see me through my behavior, choices, or lack of thankfulness (ingrate).

3) Jesus: Sacrificial Service. My husband always serves me sacrificially. He wakes me up most mornings with coffee, he gets up and turns the heat on, he makes my lunch, and he warms my car up for me…even when I have to be out of the house at 5am. Upon my return, he greets me with my favorite drink, a pillow under my feet, and a dinner served just the way I have requested (he asks this question during the day by the way). If I want something we don’t have, he will make a special trip to get it. He rubs my feet and he rubs my head, whenever I ask and sometimes just because.

4) Jesus: Freedom. He enjoys it when I am free to be me! My husband loves it when my girly playfulness comes out and his enjoyment of it brings me joy. I am thankful to be free enough with my husband to be girly and silly.

5) Jesus: Covenant Marriage. I am thankful my husband desires oneness and thinks I’m hot! I am truly thankful that my husband thinks I am beautiful and desires (only me) all the time.

6) Jesus: Holy Spirit. I am thankful for my husband’s dependence on the Holy Spirit. God has gifted him with discernment and he relies on the Spirit to help him see what the natural eye cannot.

7) Jesus: Love. My husband loves. Greatly. Deeply. I am so thankful for his love of me, our daughters, our friends, and the church body. He deeply desires everyone to know and understand Jesus and what the cross accomplished.

8) Jesus: Simply Jesus. I am so thankful for Jesus in my husband. He has an unbelievable love for Jesus and the cross and lives there. He’s usually the first one to the cross, the first one to confess, the first one to repent, the first one to seek forgiveness, the first to pray, and the first one to worship. I am thankful for his leadership, love, and dependence on the Father, Son, and Spirit.

Jesus, thank you for choosing this man for me. Thank you for revealing yourself to him so he can be You to me.

God's Hand on My Life

2011-11-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this moment I had with my daughter yesterday as it blessed me greatly.

We were driving to go wedding dress shopping yesterday and we were processing the news we had just heard about a death of someone we knew due to liver damage from alcoholism. I was wondering how someone who had such an amazing family would choose a life of alcohol over a beautiful family and what kind of darkness he must have lived with daily to have made that choice. My daughter spoke up and said that I was one of those amazing stories as most people could never have endured what I had endured and be in the place I am today. She then said, “God truly had His hand on you”. For me, there was so much (godly) irony in her statement but realized that I had never realized that my daughter had seen God’s hand on me!

It has always been God’s hand on my daughter that brought me to faith! I felt like I had to share this beautiful story!

When my daughter was two we were visiting my parents at Christmastime and had gone to mass with them at their Catholic church. At this point, Kaitlyn had never even been inside a church. That Christmas had already been pretty magical for us…we had family, snow, lights, and a lot of love that year. We had been building up Christmas with her from the presents, to visiting the beautiful lit houses in the neighborhood, to the making cookies for Santa with grandpa, and Christmas Eve mass where she could visit the nativity scene and see the baby Jesus in the manger. She was in great anticipation of going to church and coming home and leaving her home baked cookies and milk out for Santa (I think I even still have the letter “we” wrote for him). We showed her the nativity set when we go there and she was wonderful during mass, probably even more than me as I was had no clue what I was supposed to be doing half the time but as we began to walk out of the church building she burst into tears and we had to spend some time consoling her. Once she was able to stop the flow of tears and near hysteria she let us know that we could not leave yet…she had not met baby Jesus yet!

We had no idea that she actually thought she was going to meet a real baby that night, her Lord and Savior Jesus. It was more than evident to me that night that my daughter had some knowledge of Jesus and little did I know at that moment her heart would forever be connected to Him. The amazing thing for me was that her knowledge of Jesus was completely supernatural! I never spoke of Jesus and aside from knowledge that my parents went to church and spoke occasionally about God, Jesus was not a topic of conversation in our lives. In fact, although I had spent a lot of time in church in my teen years, I had no real knowledge of Jesus…my understanding did not include a triune God where the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit were one person.

From that night on, Kaitlyn was very intrigued with Jesus, God, the bible, and especially worship music. During that time, the Songs for Worship infomercial appeared on TV regularly and Kaitlyn had already shown a great appreciation for music. The preview of those songs would stick with her and she was always singing them…Shout to the Lord was her favorite and she ended up singing this at our wedding 8 years later! I started taking her to a little chapel at the base we lived on that year. It was so cute…she really didn’t know who God was and for the longest time believed that the minister was God.

A few months into her 1st grade year, it became apparent that she would need the extra attention of a smaller class and a more structured learning environment so I enrolled her at a private Christian School. Her faith flourished that year. She would always ask to go to church, sing her worship songs with the appropriate interpretative dance moves, and was eager to introduce my co-workers to her Jesus. I remember driving home from work one night with Kaitlyn in tears because she realized one of my co-workers whom she adored did not know Jesus and it was her first realization this individual might not be joining her in heaven…she was 6! She was pondering ways in which she could share Jesus with this gal and I had to have the “hard” conversation with her that she probably should not be having these conversations at my work as I could get in trouble.

In 2nd grade, her teacher was a local youth pastor who absolutely adored her. He always encouraged me to bring her to church, would go out of his way to speak to me about what a joy she was and what a dynamic personality she had. He told me once that he could see her someday speaking in front of thousands of women about Jesus. I of course always smiled politely and did my part make sure her faith and desires were fostered while staying as far removed as I possibly could from the church and from God.

That year all she could talk about was being baptized, when, when, when could that day happen was all she wanted to know. I had grown up in the Baptist church and little children weren’t baptized. I had been taught that you could not make that decision until you were at least a teenager. As I explained to her that you cannot possibly understand or know what God was calling you to until then that baptism was reserved for older kids. I remember her teacher approaching me and asking me why I was resistant to her being baptized and once I explained to him that she couldn’t possibly understand what she was doing at her age he quickly corrected me. He told me that he had never met a child as young as Kaitlyn that was more assured in her faith and knew who Jesus and God were and that I was interfering with her faith by not allowing her to express it. Oh, I didn’t realize all that! So she was baptized by her 2nd grade teacher and I honestly can’t remember a time she was more joyful and pleased…well maybe yesterday after we were done wedding dress shopping 

When Kaitlyn was around 9 my life started to unravel…again. I found myself in great despair with little hope. What hope I did have, I found completely in her. She was my saving grace, or so I thought. I was able to get up most days and move forward because of her. It was during this time, of taking her to church, dropping her off, and waiting that I began to wonder. What was it she had that gave her such joy? Why didn’t I have it? How could I have what she had? So instead of just dropping her off, I started attending the services. It wasn’t long before I was on my knees crying out to God to give me what He had always given her. I finally understood and I finally surrendered.

So, when my daughter said yesterday that it was clear God’s hand had always been on me, she was right and I do believe that wholeheartedly. The (godly) irony here was that I have always seen God’s hand on her, long before I even knew who God was. My daughter was never introduced to Jesus, Jesus simply had placed His Spirit in her little heart long before she had the ability to decide on her own. I believe for as far back as Kaitlyn has memories of me, she also has memories of Jesus. He has always been a part of her heart, her love, and her life and for that I am eternally grateful.

I was not deserving of such a gift. I could not have raised such an amazing girl without a supernatural intervention from Jesus Himself! To hear her proclaim God’s hand on my life was a joyous moment but only because of my understanding that it was His hand on her life that saved me.

Naked and Unashamed - God's Glory

2011-10-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

I have always thought we had a pretty good marriage. It was definitely tumultuous in the early years but mostly as I was learning how to live with someone who pursued so intently…it used to enrage me. In the last 5 years though I would say it has been pretty good…at least until I understood what God intended for my marriage. Even though we have not used the last 8 years to glorify God, he has used our sin to show us more of Him.

For the most part we got along. We did not have any moral sin between us, the sins against each other were generally from not loving each other well but they had become more irregular. We have always been united in our theology, parenting (mostly), financial decisions, and household decisions. Arguments were generally over small things that disrupted comfort more than anything. Physical intimacy (although enjoyed) was more of a sticking point. With a lot of my health issues, my desire has been pretty low. My husband however has always been really gracious and not pushed too hard. Little did we know that complacency here was profoundly impacting us.

My husband has always pursued me pretty intently, I often joked about feeling like I was in a 24/7 counseling “sesh”. Although appearing light hearted about it I think I had put up some pretty big walls in my perception of why he was pursuing me.Sometimes I believed he was pursuing me because he wanted me to change, other times I thought he was just going through the motions. If I pursued him, I would get answers like nice, good, fine with no lead in to pursue further. He often felt like my pursual was information gathering so I could figure out how to control the situation better, whatever the situation was. We both struggled with receiving pursual and love from each other. We both were exerting a lot of energy trying to love each other but neither of us really felt loved.

Add onto this the demands of work, ministry, community, and life and neither of us was too eager to extend ourselves further relationally to each other. Often my husband would come home tired and weary (joyless) and I would immediately allow lies about how he felt about me to cause separation. I think most of the time we were ok with the way things were in our marriage because it didn’t take a lot of effort. If our expectations were low of each other we were less likely to be disappointed. He stopped fighting for physical intimacy and I stopped fighting for emotional intimacy.

This summer it all kind of came to a massive confrontation where he was not willing to be ok with the state of our physical intimacy, yet I had become so protected I did not know how to allow my body to respond or enjoy his presence. Most dates ended with me in tears and my back towards him as we fell asleep. I didn’t feel known by him and he often felt like a stranger asking me for something I was incapable of giving. Men have always just taken from me what they wanted and left me discarded…my husband has never done this but he has certainly paid the price from all the men who have. The minute I believe that my husband “needs” something from me; I’m like a soggy biscuit incapable of responding.

Our marriage literally blew up when our entire world was flipped upside down last month. We were forced into being completely dependent on Jesus and only having each other to work through it. Initially we were in such pain and so desperate all we could do to find peace was be in each other’s presence and crying out to God in desperation. When we had to be separated for even a few hours it was absolutely agonizing…actually we are still experiencing that! Our time in each other’s presence was spent holding each other, talking through our fears and our hurt, praying to God about what we were supposed to do, how to respond, how to move forward relationally. We found amazing comfort in physical intimacy…absolute oneness. Lovemaking started with prayer, continued with prayer, and finished in prayer. It was a brand new experience altogether.

I had such distortions about physical intimacy coming into my marriage and although I’ve had enough biblical teaching…the truth had not penetrated my heart nor had I ever experienced the kind of oneness shared in the bible. My experience, even in this marriage, was that intimacy was used to satisfy some longing (physical) or some need. I didn’t fully grasp how God could be glorified in physical intimacy other than I was submitting my body and my will to my husband, neither of which I could do joyfully or freely. That was when things were fine let alone in the midst of sin or conflict. My complete motivation in moments of conflict or sin was to make him pay by withholding myself…generally with my eyes shut and my back towards him.

Now by experiencing physical intimacy often and regularly, the emotional intimacy has just followed. We are one. If we don’t experience the physical intimacy, we have a hard time connecting emotionally. I believe that is the way God designed it. It was not intended to be a needs driven activity but a union between a husband and a wife in the presence of a Covenant God. When we make God the center of our lovemaking, he joins us in a way that I never imagined possibly…truly God glorifying!

That oneness has carried over into every part of life for us. We have truly enjoyed being in each other’s company, dates have been so fun and enjoyable, hanging out together in bed on the weekends has become one of my favorite times. Enjoying coffee, reading, laughing, praying, lovemaking, and fellowship together and with God has been some of the sweetest moments in our marriage. There are some days I don’t even want to leave my bedroom because I have absolutely everything I could possibly need in that moment.

In the past, I would have found ways to dull the pain or mask it; pretending it wasn’t there either by doing things or visiting people or just not having to face it alone. God has met us right where we were at in the most amazing way imaginable. For this, I would not change a single moment in the last 45 days. My marriage has been completely wrecked and God has finally been glorified by our marriage.

Matthew 19:5-6
'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

Fighting for Oneness in the Messiness of Sin

2011-10-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

I’ve been meaning to write a blog for the last week about the amazing things God has been doing in my marriage but lo’ and behold the enemy has other plans the last few days. We had been hitting a pretty good rhythm of intentionality, intimacy, and oneness and even fighting hard for each other in the midst of conflict. I’m not sure what happened this week but it has been hard. We have been hearing a lot of lies (both of us), struggling to find meaning, and in the midst completely missing each other. I don’t know if it coincided with returning to community group or not but this week has been weighty and tiring.

In the midst of it, my husband went centered and I went controlling. As he was seeking his comfort and relief from his pain, I turned to withholding. Old habits that I have prayed would never return in our marriage. I really wanted to share about all God has done in the last few weeks to unite us and bring us unbelievable peace, comfort, and joy.

I absolutely hate this feeling of being separated from him; divided. I am angry and hurt right now. I am quite content sitting in my world of entitlement. I deserve to be loved greater than this, if he’s going to choose to be self-centered why is up to me to move us towards oneness? As much as I hate being divided, I in the moment hate the humility it takes for me to move towards him in love and grace to see past this moment and fight for unity. He is wrong and he is not loving or leading me well in this moment. Like every moment we’ve endured in the last month, this one needs the blood of Jesus as much as those.

I would much rather go to bed right now, justified in my anger and hurt, and make him pay for treating me this way. Sadly, I probably will but not because I am justified or because I have the (right) or ability to make him pay but because I am a great sinner and in the moment don’t want to choose God’s truth for our marriage.

God has done amazing things in our marriage lately and I’m not going to discount any of it just because I’m frustrated. I am however very aware of how much we’ve learned over the last month was not just when things are really bad but these are truths for every moment of everyday. I just pray that God would pour out His grace on me right now so that I can extend it to my husband. I am too tired and too weak in this moment to do anything, which may be exactly the best place to be.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

RAD - Christ in the Midst of Chaos

2011-10-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

Our friends recently adopted an eight year old boy into their family (I will call him Elijah). We had the privilege of meeting Elijah a few weeks ago for the first time. Upon meeting him, he looked like a very happy, typical 8 year old boy but from the conversations I had with his parents and from some interaction I learned that Elijah suffers greatly.

This little man was born as a twin prematurely and spent time in the hospital long after his twin went home. Once home, he was the youngest of 5. For reasons unknown (or speculated), he had developed Reactive Detachment Disorder (RAD) and once home was not comfortable with being held or touched. Since the mom was a single parent and had her hands full with the other children, Elijah probably spent most of his time in his crib, untouched. Once he was older, the behaviors generally displayed by kids with RAD began and the adults in the home resorted to more violent extremes of discipline or even as far as abuse. When Elijah begins to feel out of control, he lashes out with anger and at times violent outbursts in an attempt to regain control.

I was really impressed and overjoyed watching these first time parents love and guide Elijah during our visit. To go from never having children to having one with serious behavioral issues is remarkable and their love and care for him is a blessing to experience. I wanted to share this story because out of a conversation I had with my friend regarding this disorder, how they have to communicate with Elijah and how Elijah processes situations, I had an unbelievable revelation!

My friend was explaining that in their conversations, they need to start to make Elijah more aware of what’s going on in his heart and what is actually happening around him. I won’t do the conversation justice but the idea was that his heart as a baby was not nurtured and he at a very early age built walls around it and therefore kept his heart as that of an infant. His capability of experiencing love is that of an infant. For example, they have to have really intentional “cuddle” time to help his baby heart and they have to talk him through what they are doing and why so he can start to put understanding around what is taking place and begin to articulate what is happening. As my friend was describing the walls he’s put up around his heart I realized that I do the very same thing! I have always done that, I could totally relate to Elijah in that moment!

I went on to share with my friend how I had so closely guarded my heart when James and I married. I struggled intensely our first few years of marriage to trust being vulnerable with him. Of course, my husband doesn’t live in superficiality and pressed in even harder the more I tried to guard my heart. This resulted in chaos within my heart and complete fear of being hurt more by someone I was learning to trust. What ensued was a rage that was beyond describable. I literally felt like I was going insane. The anger and rage and confusion had me completely upside down and the enemy used those moments to pummel me with lies. Reflecting back to those moments, my heart completely ached for Elijah and I so understood exactly how he felt and what he was going through.

I found this description of RAD in adults and was quite intrigued.

Adults with attachment issues may be clinging, co-dependent, and needy, or they may exert a level of anger and hostility that prevents others from getting close, while others might live their lives superficially, unable to access their true emotions, in each case relying upon patterns that may have helped them survive as children, but leaving them isolated as adults.
Depending upon the genetic personality traits of the individual, and their early life experiences, an insecurely attached adult will fall into one of two categories:

Avoidant
Intense anger and loss, hostile, overly critical of others, sensitive to blame, ; lack of empathy, views others as untrustworthy or undependable, views self as unlovable, or too good for others, relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both, compulsive self-reliance, passive withdrawal, low levels of perceived support, difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone, work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations, fear of closeness in relationships, avoidance of intimacy, unlikely to idealize the love relationship, tendency toward self-criticism.

Anxious/Ambivalent
Compulsive caregiving, feel overinvolved and underappreciated, no long-term relationships, idealizing of others, strong desire for partner to reciprocate in relationship, desire for extensive contact and declarations of affections, overinvests his/her emotions in a relationship, perceives relationships as imbalanced, preoccupation or dependence on relationship, views partner as desirable but unpredictable (sometimes available, sometimes not), perceives others as difficult to understand, relationship is primary method by which one can experience a sense of security, unlikely to view others as altruistic, sensitive to rejection, discomfort with anger, extreme emotions, jealous, possessive, views self as unlovable, suicide attempts, mood swings, tendency toward dependent depression.

I actually will swing between both the Avoidant and Anxious/Ambivalent depending on where I am in terms of relationships, fear, or safety. I generally will think of how I have guarded my heart in terms of my husband because that is a constant tension. I have however protected my heart in general from every relationship I have ever had. In the beginning of our marriage, I displayed many of these behaviors and through the consistent pursual and love of my husband and mostly Jesus Christ, I can say that I have received a lot of healing and redemption but I also have to acknowledge I have not fully arrived either.

The main difference between Elijah and I comes down to sin. Plus maturity and the ability to recognize a lie versus what I know to be unequivocally true. Elijah at this point does not have a complete understanding of who Jesus Christ is and what He did on the cross on his behalf. Unfortunately, I did not have enough conversation with Elijah to know what his Gospel understanding was or who Jesus Christ was to him but I’m guessing even at 8 years old without the Holy Spirit, he would have a hard time understanding the depth and meaning of Jesus’ death on the cross.

I do understand what Jesus did on the cross and I have experienced unbelievable healing and redemption in my life and in my marriage. I still however at times struggle with an intense desire to gain back control when I feel like I have lost it. I still tend to withhold intimacy from my husband (especially physical) when I don’t “feel” love from him. I have completely defined what love should look like and when he doesn’t meet it, my body is completely resistant to him. He has spoken a lot recently how much he realizes that my lips (kissing) and my body are completely connected to my heart and when my heart doesn’t feel safe or loved, everything shuts down. We’ve had great conversation and a lot of realization recently how connected my heart and my body are.

I often feel justified in my sinful response to my husband; I have elevated my heart above oneness with my husband and with my Lord for sake of protection and control. I have entertained the enemy’s lies about who I am, who my husband is, and who my Savior is. Yes, a lot of wrong has been done against me and I have a lot of distortions but the truth is I know the “ultimate” truth and God has chosen me and given me a spirit to know the things of God so I am without excuse.

I am excited for what lies ahead for Elijah as I know his parents are fully giving him the gospel truth in the midst of the madness that was given to him as a child. Just like God gives us His gospel (Christ and Him crucified), in the midst of our madness. That is where the gospel makes the most sense when everything else doesn’t. Even though I don’t fully know what Elijah’s understanding of Jesus on the cross is, I do know that his parents are fully in need of this truth and dependent on it as parents and that is being poured out on Elijah with every interaction.

1 Thessalonians 1:2-10
2 We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers,3remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. 4For we know, brothers[b] loved by God, that he has chosen you,5because our gospel came to you not only in word, but also in power and in the Holy Spirit and with full conviction. You know what kind of men we proved to be among you for your sake. 6And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, 7so that you became an example to all the believers in Macedonia and in Achaia. 8For not only has the word of the Lord sounded forth from you in Macedonia and Achaia, but your faith in God has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything. 9For they themselves report concerning us the kind of reception we had among you, and how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, 10and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, Jesus who delivers us from the wrath to come.

Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word

2011-10-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

It’s sad, so sad
It’s a sad, sad situation
And it’s getting more and more absurd
It’s sad, so sad
Why can’t we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Confession: I love Barry Manilow…especially his covers of the songs from the 60’s & 70’s. I was driving to work this morning listening to the Greatest Songs of the 60’s & 70’s, some of my favorite songs growing up and realized how unbelievably depressing most of them are. They are about loss; cheating; unreturned love…the list goes on. Why have I ever felt comfort in these songs? I guess probably because I could relate so well with many of the themes.

The one that weighed really heavy on me though was Barry’s cover of Elton John’s Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word. These lyrics hit me pretty hard, and it is so sad and it is getting more and more absurd!

I have told women for years, forgiveness is 100% supernatural (to forgive like God); we do not have a natural ability to forgive. If it is that difficult to forgive, how much more so is it to ask for forgiveness? I think impossible. Yet, knowing this, I am amazed at how often I resort to my natural self to try and muster the ability to say sorry or to extend forgiveness.

In the midst of my sin, you can more than likely find a pretty pissed off Gina. At the center of most of my sin is an angry heart that is either rebelling or fighting to be right. I have such a ridiculous need to be right. I do not know if that stems from as a young girl not having a voice and not being heard or just plain sin. I like to hold onto the idea that it would make sense for me to have such a need because “hey look at what I’ve endured”. This is such a therapeutic response to my sin and is even uglier than the sin itself. Why is “sorry” the hardest word for me?

We are made in the image of God and therefore it is natural to reflect back His attributes. God is love; we desire to love and be loved. God was righteously angry; we too are angry. God calls us to be righteously angry yet not sin. God is just; we understand and (sinfully) desire justice. The problem is that we embody the attributes of God in a fallen body and fallen world and we have a distorted lens and ruined desires that interfere with us being able to reflect back to God what He has given us, in our own ability.

For me, I have defined what love should look like and when the definition hasn’t been met by my husband, I resort to manipulation to make him pay. I will say 92.5% of the time our arguments are not because he has sinned against me but because of my sin, yet I feel justified 99.5% of the time because I am more caught up in how he is responding to my sin. I am always more interested in being right than being unified. In those moments where I have been “wronged”, my “justness” is served by withholding relationship from him. I will withhold relationship, intimacy, affection, my heart, and even my words. My silence to him is the most extreme form of violence and I know this, yet it’s usually the first place I will land.

Here’s where my husband has probably exemplified Jesus the most to me in our marriage. In these moments, it is usually him that will come around and apologize. Not sinfully to dust things under the carpet but in a redemptive way to fight for unity. He would much rather fight for unity and grace me than stand his ground when he knows that he has not sinned. This would be sin if he were doing so passively for the sake of peace but for those of you who know him, this is not a possibility. He does own his part in the equation in a way that humbly acknowledges in the moment I wasn’t being loved yet he’s not being manipulated by my sin. I think it’s a tricky balance but ultimately done through the Spirit. I feel very blessed that my husband is 99.9% of the time more interested in unity than being right.

As I wrestle with the idea that we are created in God’s image, embody His attributes (specifically justice), yet nothing we do can cause us to be justified outside of Jesus Christ on the Cross…why do I put the energy forth pretending I can?

Romans 3:22-26
22the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.
I had Romans 3:22-26 tattooed on my arm this summer as it is a perfect reminder of ALL Christ did for me and that nothing in me is good, righteous, or just outside of Christ in me. I am reminded that God condemned His son on the cross because I could not keep my side of the covenant. He fully honored the covenant that I was not capable of honoring. He did His part AND He did my part. I am righteous, holy, and justified because I have Christ in me not because I am right or good or even worthy.

I have sinned frequently in the last few weeks but more frequently and immediately I have “turned away” from seeking my own wrath and apologized. I am no longer comfortable being separated from my husband even for a moment, it is far too painful. As I watch him during this season, walking in humility, grace and a sweet tenderness, I am in awe of God in this man and thankful God chose me to be His daughter and chose me to be this man’s wife.

Misplaced Hope – Sin Abounding

2011-10-10T10:57:00.001-07:00

I had a momentary freak out last night when it felt like all my hope had been shattered…I quickly moved into control, manipulate, and protect mode. It was a fleeting moment where my husband responded defensively and the enemy rushed it to “convince” me that I had been deceived and that I had no hope in this situation.

After a complete melt down and night of despair I realized this morning that I had placed my hope in the wrong thing. I cannot place my hope in how my husband responds. I cannot place my hope in my husband, period. I have to place my hope on God, solely. I can have hope of God in my husband, and God working through my husband. The truth is my husband does not have his own natural ability to respond in humility and grace, only Jesus can do that for him.

I can expect Jesus from him but know that when he misses that bar it doesn’t change anything. I can be disappointed and I can express that in a gracious way that invites my husband into resolution rather than moving to power and control through a meltdown. The meltdown only serves me…it causes me to spiral faster and deeper into darkness where I can’t even cry out to God to help me see it differently. I feel justified. The enemy is given a little bit of ground in those moments and our unity is broken.

Lord I pray that I can be an instrument of grace and encouragement for my husband when his sin is exposed. Father I pray that I can respond with your heart and love for him and not out of my fear and need to control. Father, you have united us and I ask for your Spirit to bind us closer to you and each other in the midst of sin not just when it’s easy. I ask for your forgiveness in not trusting you in those moments and for allowing the enemy to have any ground in our marriage. James, I ask for your forgiveness for trying to control and not extending to you the same grace you lavish upon me time and time again.

Hebrews 10:22-25
22let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Running Towards Suffering - A Lesson from Hebrews

2011-10-08T16:28:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lifetime running from pain, all kinds. I learned at a very young age how to numb myself from the pain around me…the pain of abuse, the pain of neglect, the pain of rejection, physical pain, and especially emotional pain. I hated to hurt but I guess that really doesn’t make me too unique does it?

As a girl growing up and even as a young woman, I learned how to buck up and put on a happy face and “pretend” that I was strong and unbreakable. This worked, I learned to keep pain and suffering at a distance but in the process my heart was numb, disconnected, and holed up in a bunker. I was emotionally unavailable to anyone until God broke through. God reached down and cupped his hands around my face ever so gently, pulled me near and said “No daughter, I have more for you, I am meeting you in your pain and I need you to face your pain so that you can learn to depend on me.”

I placed my faith in Him at that moment but only because He gave me the ability to. Things of course didn’t get easier but for the first time ever I began to feel the pain of my abuse, the pain of my sin and depravity, the pain of lost relationships and loved ones who didn’t protect, the pain of infertility, and the pain of learning how to live as a godly daughter, wife, and mother in a man-centered body and world.

As I read through Hebrews this morning, God’s word was a perfect reminder and brought great comfort. In my sharing, I am not trying to break down the theology of God’s word but to share how His word is stirring my heart. This passage is a warning against neglecting salvation and although not directly related to my suffering (at the moment), the truths here extend far and wide in my life and in this great reminder of what Jesus has accomplished, I can’t help but find myself at the foot of His throne in awe and reverence of what He has finished.

Hebrews 2:5-10
5Now it was not to angels that God subjected the world to come, of which we are speaking. 6It has been testified somewhere,

"What is man, that you are mindful of him, or the son of man, that you care for him? 7You made him for a little while lower than the angels; you have crowned him with glory and honor, 8putting everything in subjection under his feet."

Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him. 9But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

10For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.

“Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control.” He left nothing outside of His control! How reassuring that nothing happens outside the will of God…He is in control. If I believe God’s promises, if I believe He is good, if I believe He is love, then in my suffering I can believe that He will be my comfort and He will see this through for His glory.

“Crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.” Salvation, my salvation has been made perfect through suffering! My suffering could never compare to the suffering my Lord endured on the cross because of my sin. I am not alone in my suffering, he is there to comfort. Ultimately, God will use this momentary affliction for His glory and I pray that God would use this situation, our humility and our repentance to advance the gospel.

Lord Jesus, I know that you are not above suffering; in fact you understand and have experienced suffering far beyond anything I will ever endure. You were perfected in suffering so that I could enter into the Father’s presence and rest. I rest in the fact that nothing is outside of your control, that all things happen for your purpose and your glory. So daddy, I pray that you will continue to shower me with peace and joy. I pray that your loving kindness would give us the strength to walk out this new season of life in humility and grace, all to your glory!

Living Vulnerably, in Humility by Grace

2011-10-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have not updated my blog in a really long time, in fact I have not written anything in over a year. I realized that I have been really disconnected from my heart, my relationships, my husband, and God. I do not consider myself a writer by any means…I start out with great ideas but they usually fall pretty flat with no strong conclusion. What I am realizing though is that writing allows me to be vulnerable with myself and others. Sometimes just writing down the thoughts in my head can make the tears flow faster than anything. Maybe that is why I stopped writing. I have definitely been protecting myself from a lot this past year and in doing so have to some extent stopped feeling.

We are entering into a very new season of life, one in which we have not seen in the eight years of our marriage. With that comes a real need for truth, honesty, humility, grace, vulnerability, a greater need for community, a greater desire for oneness in my marriage, and a completely new dependence on my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

I have been clinging tightly to God’s word and truth the last few weeks. My thirst is great and my hunger deep. There have been some really significant verses that have brought me sincere comfort and peace and most of these were from dear friends in their desire to encourage me and love on me, so that makes them even that much sweeter.

I know the season we are in is absolutely God’s goodness and best for us and I cling to this truth. In this truth, I find real peace, real joy, real hope and the ability to extend grace at any given moment even when it feels like everything is exploding around me.

I hope that by sharing my heart in these moments I can pass on the same encouragement and hope that is continually being extended to me.

2 Corinthians 1:9
9Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

Romans 12:9-21

9 Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 10 Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. 11Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit,[g] serve the Lord. 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 13Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.[h] Never be wise in your own sight. 17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.19Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[i] to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." 20To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." 21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

John 5:30-46
30 "I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me. 31 If I alone bear witness about myself, my testimony is not deemed true. 32There is another who bears witness about me, and I know that the testimony that he bears about me is true. 33 You sent to John, and he has borne witness to the truth. 34Not that the testimony that I receive is from man, but I say these things so that you may be saved. 35He was a burning and shining lamp, and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light. 36But the testimony that I have is greater than that of John. For the works that the Father has given me to accomplish, the very works that I am doing, bear witness about me that the Father has sent me. 37And the Father who sent me has himself borne witness about me. His voice you have never heard, his form you have never seen, 38and you do not have his word abiding in you, for you do not believe the one whom he has sent. 39 You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, 40yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. 41 I do not receive glory from people. 42But I know that you do not have the love of God within you. 43I have come in my Father’s name, and you do not receive me. If another comes in his own name, you will receive him. 44How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God? 45Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father. There is one who accuses you: Moses, on whom you have set your hope. 46For if you believed Moses, you would believe me; for he wrote of me. 47But if you do not believe his writings, how will you believe my words?"

Psalm 40
My Help and My Deliverer
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
4Blessed is the man who makes
the LORD his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after a lie!
5You have multiplied, O LORD my God,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
I will proclaim and tell of them,
yet they are more than can be told.
6 In sacrifice and offering you have not delighted,
but you have given me an open ear.[a]
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.
7Then I said, "Behold, I have come;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me:
8 I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
9I have told the glad news of deliverance[b]
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
10I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.
11As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me!
12For evils have encompassed me
beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me!
O LORD, make haste to help me!
14 Let those be put to shame and disappointed altogether
who seek to snatch away my life;
let those be turned back and brought to dishonor
who delight in my hurt!
15Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, "Aha, Aha!"
16But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
17As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!

Psalm 31
Into Your Hand I Commit My Spirit
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1 In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
2Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!
3For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me;
4you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
6I hate[a] those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the LORD.
7I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.
11Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
especially to my neighbors,
and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
those who see me in the street flee from me.
12I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
I have become like a broken vessel.
13For I hear the whispering of many—
terror on every side!—
as they scheme together against me,
as they plot to take my life.
14But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
16 Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
17O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you;
let the wicked be put to shame;
let them go silently to Sheol.
18Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.
19Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
20In the cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.
21Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
22I had said in my alarm,[b]
"I am cut off from your sight."
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.
23Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
24 Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!

Psalm 37
He Will Not Forsake His Saints
[a] Of David.
1 Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
be not envious of wrongdoers!
2For they will soon fade like the grass
and wither like the green herb.
3 Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.[b]
4 Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
6 He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
and your justice as the noonday.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.
10In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
11But the meek shall inherit the land
and delight themselves in abundant peace.
12The wicked plots against the righteous
and gnashes his teeth at him,
13but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he sees that his day is coming.
14The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose way is upright;
15their sword shall enter their own heart,
and their bows shall be broken.
16 Better is the little that the righteous has
than the abundance of many wicked.
17For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18The LORD knows the days of the blameless,
and their heritage will remain forever;
19they are not put to shame in evil times;
in the days of famine they have abundance.
20But the wicked will perish;
the enemies of the LORD are like the glory of the pastures;
they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.
21The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
but the righteous is generous and gives;
22for those blessed by the LORD[c] shall inherit the land,
but those cursed by him shall be cut off.
23The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
when he delights in his way;
24 though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
for the LORD upholds his hand.
25I have been young, and now am old,
yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
or his children begging for bread.
26He is ever lending generously,
and his children become a blessing.
27 Turn away from evil and do good;
so shall you dwell forever.
28For the LORD loves justice;
he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
29The righteous shall inherit the land
and dwell upon it forever.
30The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks justice.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip.
32The wicked watches for the righteous
and seeks to put him to death.
33The LORD will not abandon him to his power
or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.
34 Wait for the LORD and keep his way,
and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
you will look on when the wicked are cut off.
35 I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
spreading himself like a green laurel tree.[d]
36But he passed away,[e] and behold, he was no more;
though I sought him, he could not be found.
37Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
for there is a future for the man of peace.
38But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
the future of the wicked shall be cut off.
39 The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
40The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

Women as Redeemed Image Bearers

2010-04-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post the teaching I did for a woman's training day at our church. It is pretty lengthy as it includes a lot of scripture.

My (un)Redeemed Identity

I wanted to share you with you a little bit of my own journey in trying to discover my identity in Christ.

For most of my life I have identified with being dirty and the word that I could easily pull from at any time was “whore”; those words were seared on my soul at a very young age. I was sexually molested by my grandfather and my father from the age of 4-10. Love was perverted and entangled with misappropriated sexual pleasure. I responded by trying to find an identity in being loved. I believed if I could only be loved, then I would not feel this way. I offered myself willingly to anyone who would take me. I sought love in the men that would continue to make me feel dirty and unworthy to be loved. My entire identity was in my physical appearance and sexuality.

After enduring a tragic event where a friend’s baby girl almost died at the hands of my ex-husband, my identity shifted to survival. I could not depend on anyone, especially a man. I put a plan in place to ensure that I was completely sufficient for my daughter and me. No man was going to interfere with that. This plan included an education and a career and I was determined (at all costs) to accomplish this. I did. I accomplished my goals but I sacrificed much.

I fully identified with sin and suffering and what I thought the consequences of both were. However, not all of the things in which I had put my identity in were necessarily bad things. I identified with being a good mom, a godly wife, a loyal employee, a faithful servant, etc.

We cannot find our identity in anything outside of Jesus Christ. For years, I could and did say that but I had no idea what that meant. If someone were to ask me what exactly that meant, I would not have had an answer other than I’m a Christian. I want to show you today exactly what it means for our Identity to be in Christ.

Imago Dei – Created in God’s Image

In order to understand our redeemed identity, we need to understand God’s desire for creation

Why were we created? To Glorify God

Romans 15:6 that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Psalm 86:12 I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever.

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Where did it start?

Creation – Men and Woman were created in the image of God; Equally.
Genesis 1:26-27 - 26Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness...”27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

Man – created first out of dust
Genesis 2:7 - 7 then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

Woman – Created second, taken out of man
Genesis 2:18; 21-23 - 18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

1 Timothy 2:13 - For Adam was formed first, then Eve

1 Corinthians 11:8-9 - 8 For man was not made from woman, but woman from man. 9 Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.

The Fall – Distorted Identity

Sin Enters Creation
Genesis 3:1- 6 - 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” 2 And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3 but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’” 4 But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. 5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” 6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.

Here is our first glimpse into fallen motives with the fruit; idolatry at its core. Adam and Eve chose autonomy over participating in the mission of God – His Glory; we have been doing the same ever since. We chose to satisfy our flesh and our pride at the expense of his glory, the very thing we were created for.

Shame enters creation
Genesis 3:7- 7 Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” 10 And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.”

- They realized for the first time they were naked and they hid themselves from God.

- Shame seeks to destroy intimacy and relationship. Shame will always cause us to pull away from God and others.

- Before sin, Adam and Eve experienced life together and in communion with God completely naked.

Creation is Cursed
Genesis 3:16-19 - 16 To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” 17 And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; 18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. 19 By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

The Enemy is Cursed
Genesis 3:14-15 - 14 The Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all livestock and above all beasts of the field; on your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life. 15 I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel.”

Distortions we believe about our identity
- Because of our distorted identity, we often have the wrong lens on when we see God, ourselves, and others.

- We quickly attach ourselves to our shame and out of that we “identify” with our sin or our suffering. This is the enemy’s master plan. As long as we are stuck in shame, we cannot see God rightly and therefore our relationship with him is obscured. The enemy is not interested in bringing us down, his goal (or so he pridefully believes) is to bring God down. He just uses us.

Redeemed Identity

To understand the atoning work of the cross we need to understand why the cross was necessary and why Jesus Christ had to be our savior.

Why did we need a savior?
Hebrews 9:22 Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins.

Leviticus 17:11 For the life of the flesh is in the blood, and I have given it for you on the altar to make atonement for your souls, for it is the blood that makes atonement by the life.

In the OT, the law required death for sin; if you sinned (moral sin) the consequence was death and God’s wrath. The old sacrificial system was put in place to deal with unintentional sins (i.e. cleanliness). That system could not atone for intentional sins. If you sinned, death was the consequence. It was not just an earthy penalty or physical death either; it meant an eternal separation from God.

Recently in studying the atonement, I realized that I live post-cross and because of that I know the end of the story. I have no real ability to understand the consequence of sin or any threat of eternal separation of God. Because of this, I realized I often minimize my sin. If I fully understood the full weight of my sin as the OT peeps did; the death of Jesus Christ on the cross would be the most precious gift I could ever expect from God.

Why Jesus?
Jerry Bridges summarizes it well in The Great Exchange; “Because man sinned, man must bear the penalty of sin, so in addition to being fully God, the mediator must also be fully man in order to bear the sin of man as their representative. Also, the mediator must be a man since the mediation act of atoning for sin requires a sacrificial death, and it is impossible for God to die.” Jerry Bridges

What did Christ accomplish on the cross?
Christ on the cross is synonymous with Atonement. Atonement is defined as the reconciliation of man with God through the life, sufferings, and sacrificial death of Christ. Through the atoning blood of Jesus Chris, a Holy God and sinners were reconciled. There are multiple aspects of the atonement that need to be considered in order to fully realize our identity.

Penal Substitution
Jesus Christ taking the sinner’s place, bearing the burden of man’s sin and guilt. Christ suffered in our place, accepting the punishment that we rightly deserve. He bore the penalty of human sin on the cross, suffering in the place of the sinner, the just for the unjust, the holy Son of God for the guilty.

Isaiah 53:4-6 - 4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

Christus Victor
Christus Victor is the defeat of Satan and the cancellation of all of the Enemy’s legal rights against us, as well as lies leveled at us through Christ’s victory and authority demonstrated on the cross. The Enemy no longer has a hold on us. One of the biggest lies the Enemy tells the believer is twofold. First, that they have no authority over him and, second, that they fall prey to him, that they are victimized by the lies he tells them.

Colossians 2:12-15 - 12 having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised him from the dead. 13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, 14 by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. 15 He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.

Hebrew 2:12-17 12 saying, “I will tell of your name to my brothers; in the midst of the congregation I will sing your praise.” 13 And again, “I will put my trust in him.” And again, “Behold, I and the children God has given me.” 14 Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, 15 and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. 16 For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. 17 Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.

Justification - Imputation – Forgiveness and Righteousness (The Great Exchange)
Basically, God takes your filth and in return, he gives you his righteousness. Jesus not only took your curse. He became your curse, and you became his perfected righteousness. There had to be an exchange for a full justification. Once your sin is removed, you still do not have any righteousness of your own. But because of a complete justification, Jesus has given you his righteousness. His righteousness is imputed to you.

2 Corinthians 5:21 - 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Propitiation and Expiation

Propitiation is God’s wrath satisfied, the payment of sin accounted for and God’s wrath turned into favor. Expiation is the wiping away of sin. The debt of sin no longer stands against us. The debt is cancelled; the sin is removed.

1 John 2:2 He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world.

Romans 3:23-25 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.

Isaiah 61:10 10 I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Ransom
It is the blood of Jesus that cleanses us from sin. We see that it’s the forgiveness of sin that cleanses us from all unrighteousness. The blood removes guilt; the blood removes shame; the blood removes condemnation. The blood removes the filth which is our sin.

1 John 1:7-9 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 8If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Redemption
Redemption is to deliver people from bondage. As redemption denotes redeeming someone from captivity like Israel from Egypt, Christ does this through the payment of His blood.

Ephesians 1:7 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,

Micah 6:4 4 For I brought you up from the land of Egypt and redeemed you from the house of slavery, and I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam.

Exodus 15:13 13 “You have led in your steadfast love the people whom you have redeemed; you have guided them by your strength to your holy abode.

Deuteronomy 7:8 8 but it is because the Lord loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers, that the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt.

II Samuel 7:23 23 And who is like your people Israel, the one nation on earth whom God went to redeem to be his people, making himself a name and doing for them great and awesome things by driving out before your people, whom you redeemed for yourself from Egypt, a nation and its gods?

What does the Atonement mean for a Redeemed Identity?
No Condemnation

Who has the power to condemn? Surprisingly, most people respond, “Satan,” since condemnation seems to be attached to feeling bad or separated from God. The truth is God is the author of condemnation. Satan does not have the power to condemn.

Romans 8:34 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.

Who was condemned? Condemnation was reserved for Jesus, and it is no longer in existence, for the believer. We see that in 1 John 3:20 that, even when your own heart condemns you, God is greater than your heart. So there is truly no condemnation for you who are in Christ Jesus. Because of what Jesus did on the Cross, as He imputed His righteousness to you as your sin was imputed to Him, it is now as though you never did anything wrong. The wrath of God was poured out on his son and it pleased him (verse?).

Romans 5:18-19 18 Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. 19 For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous.

No Shame
After Adam and Eve sinned and were shamed in their nakedness, God sacrificed an animal to make a garment of skin to clothe them (Genesis 3:21), as a representation of greater things to come. Now, it is Christ who clothes us (Revelation 18; 1 Peter 2:6). Through his sacrifice and our unity with Him in His death and resurrection, by the Holy Spirit, believing who we are in Him, God promises no shame (Romans 9:33, Romans 10:11; Isaiah 49:23; Joel 2:26-27). Not being shamed comes from, like Jesus, knowing who we are—who God says we are.

Christ was not shamed - The whole epicenter of the Cross was intended to shame Jesus; , from the Centurions beating him, mocking worship, the crown of thorns, and carrying his own Cross, being disrobed, naked and nailed to the Cross. The ungodly threw everything at Jesus to shame Him; Jesus could not be shamed because he knew who he was.

Isaiah 50:6-7 6 I gave my back to those who strike, and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard; I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting. 7 But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.

Hebrews 12:2 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

- Despise: To regard as unworthy of one's interest or concern: despised any thought of their own safety.

In Christ, we are not shamed - We no longer have permission to experience shame; If Christ could not be shamed, and Christ is in us, we too cannot be shamed. Just as Christ understood who He was and could not be shamed, if we understand who we are, we cannot be shamed.

Peter 2:6 6 For it stands in Scripture: “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”

Joel 2:26-27 26 “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. And my people shall never again be put to shame. 27 You shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the Lord your God and there is none else. And my people shall never again be put to shame.

Romans 9:33 33 as it is written, “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense; and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”

Romans 10:11 11 For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.”

Isaiah 49:23 23 Kings shall be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. With their faces to the ground they shall bow down to you, and lick the dust of your feet. Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who wait for me shall not be put to shame.”

No Separation

One of the chief opponents to Christ’s atonement on the Cross-is: believing that you can separate yourself from God because of sin. As we just saw, there is “no condemnation, in the believer,”

Romans 8:31-39 31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

When you believe that your sin can separate you from God, you are making yourself bigger than God. Your sin is not too big for God or what He did through the Cross of Jesus Christ. You could not pay for salvation. It had to be the God-man Jesus to reconcile man back to God. Simply put, you could not pay for your own sin. You are the one who should have, but the reality is that, in His perfection, the only One who could have paid for sin is Jesus Christ. So, if you could not behave your way to God, how can you possibly think you can behave your way away from Him?

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

My Redeemed Identity
My redeemed identity is a woman who has been horribly sinned against and has horribly sinned but was cleansed by the blood of my savior and made righteous by his death on the cross. I do not go to shame when I sin or remember details of my past. I do not believe for a moment I have the ability to condemn myself or that the enemy’s lies can condemn me. I do not believe that when I sin or chose not to worship that I am separated in any way from my Lord and Savior.

When I stand confidently in my identity, the overflow is an expression of my biblical femininity and personality. My confidence in Christ allows me to express my biblical femininity. As a godly woman, I have struggled with Proverbs 31, how would I ever compare? The beauty of my identity being in Christ is that I don’t compare and I don’t have to. I don’t have to compare myself to other women either; I am fearfully and wonderfully made! God has given me certain gifts and has called me to certain things. I do not need to read Proverbs 31 and beat myself up that I am not those things.

Because I am not bound in shame, other’s get to experience God’s glory through me. I can speak boldly and confidently to others about Jesus Christ, I can confess my sinful heart and repent in community. My husband is allowed to enjoy and delight in both in my sexuality and in my girly playfulness.

I Was Dunked...For the Third Time

2010-04-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

I was baptized as a 12 year old after “accepting” Jesus. I remember the thoughts going through my head as our Pastor asked me all the questions. My tears flowed, my pastor and my mom thought they were tears of joy for having asked Jesus into my heart but they were really tears of shame. As they would ask me the questions, I would give them the answer I knew they wanted but all the time the enemy was right there saying Jesus could never love you, if they only knew the horrible things you did they would know that Jesus could never possibly love you. So, I was baptized for them, fully believing that I was too dirty for Jesus to know and love. I treated Jesus that way too, that even I was too much for him. I had no desire for the things of Jesus. In fact, I even resented him at times because I thought my mom had become a freak.

I was baptized again at the age of 20 after “re-accepting” Jesus. This time I was married and my life was anything but what I had ever dreamed it to be. I had been married less than a year; we did not have a job and we had no money. Our marriage was a mess, we were dependent on other people; I was miserable. I turned to God in the hopes that he would take me out of that place. If I gave him my life, he could clean it up and give me the things I couldn’t get for myself. I think within a week I was back to trying to figure things out on my own.

I did not know Jesus at 12; in fact I didn’t even understand that Jesus and God were one. My heart did not care about God except for that believing in him would make my life better, somehow. I did not know Jesus at 20 but I was desperate and it seemed to work for other people. I wanted what they had but I did not want my heart to change. I wanted to live my life the way I wanted and resented the fact that loving Jesus meant I couldn’t have fun now, that my life had to be stupid and boring if I followed him. I wasn’t angry at him for my life circumstances, for my abuse. I just wanted him to fix my situation, give me a better life without taking away my fun and making me into a freak.

I finally surrendered to God at 32 (that was 7 years ago). I was at the end of myself, not unlike the other two times I had “come” to Jesus. I was recently divorced, suffering from withdrawal from diet pills, sudden changes in the company I worked for (where I was getting my identity from), and the murder of a friend. I did not turn to God though for an easy way out, I turned to Him because He had always been calling me and I was in need of Him, completely. Yes, I wanted my circumstances to change, but I knew this was a total commitment of my heart, it had been captured.

So Easter Sunday this year was pretty amazing. Our church does a lot of baptizing on Easter and my husband is always the first pastor to sign up to do the dunking…he loves it! I watched him baptize close to 150 people last year. I’ve always figured after having been baptized twice, that had to be enough public expression of my faith. This Easter as I was standing up front waiting to pray with people, worshipping, and watching others be baptized, I heard “go”. My response was no. “Go”, no. “Go”, no. I then stopped dancing, stopped singing, and turned towards my husband who was still in the baptismal and just stared at him. I was paralyzed but felt ill. My stomach had jumped up into my throat and my heart was racing.

It was so clear to me; my other baptisms were about me. The first time, I was so self-absorbed and full of shame. The second time, I was so desperate and willing to do anything for God to change my circumstances. This time, it was fully about Jesus, truly for His Glory.

The look on my husband’s face when I walked into the water was precious; he was so emotional he could barely talk to me. I felt like I needed to explain why as a pastor’s wife I was just getting baptized. I summarized everything I shared here and then said I was feeling quite blessed to be baptized by my husband. My husband and Pastor Cliff then baptized me in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amazing! I came out of the water feeling so free and full of joy.

I Gave Up Coffee for Lent…Then I Took It Back (Part II)

2010-03-09T10:52:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do this blog in two parts. The first part, in order to really explain where I was at, was all about me. The second part I would like to be all about Jesus and what He did on the Cross…to the glory of the Father. I do want to mention that I set my alarm clock to get up early enough to spend at least an hour with my husband this morning before he left, however something else woke me up an hour before my alarm went off. Instead of being grouchy and trying to go back to sleep, I was able to connect with my husband for about two hours this morning. We were able to talk about schedules, some counseling we have been doing, some heart issues I have been struggling with, and how to work through some other issues that need confronting, all while cuddling. It really was a sweet time.

When I was weighing the decision yesterday to drink coffee, my first instinct was to go to a place of “I am letting God down” mentality. Quickly I heard the admonishment, “this does not change how I see you and do you think you can do anything at all?” My choosing to give something up for Lent is a personal decision to show reverence and honor to God. I am not big enough “to let God down”, that cheapens the cross. Although my motivation for observing Lent was not to win favor with God I do believe I fell into a prideful stance that I could somehow win favor with Him.

We are studying The Great Exchange (My Sin for His Righteousness) by Jerry Bridges and Bob Bevington during this Lent season. The book unpacks the atonement from every angle and perspective. Here is an excerpt from the book unpacking Galatians that I would like to share:

Legalism occurs whenever a sinner attempts to earn God’s favor by his or her personal righteousness instead of by Christ’s transferred righteousness. Legalism demands the value of Christ’s work of atonement by requiring sinners to perform activities that are man-centered and, in essence, man-exalting. Even subtle, unspoken legalism sets forth a course that inevitably leads to spiritual pride and eventual defeat under the weight of unsuccessfully attempted law keeping. By substituting man-centered performance as the basis for acquiring righteousness the very essence and foundation of redemptive truth is compromised. In this epistle, Paul shows that the atonement is the sole basis of man’s forgiveness, righteousness, and acceptance by God—nothing can or should be added.

Wow, that is truly a humbling truth. There is nothing I can do to add to what Christ did on the Cross and to assume otherwise is prideful and arrogant. Christ’s death on the Cross was magnificent, awesome, and sufficient.

I cannot win favor, earn his love, or do any good at all in my own ability or strength. The fact that I have any ability at all comes from His righteousness imputed to me. He stood in my place and fully received God’s entire wrath that I fully deserved. I am not worthy, thank God!

The Ebenezer stone is a reminder of God’s promises, His eternal covenant. 1 Samuel 7:12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen and called its name Ebenezer; for he said, “Till now the LORD has helped us.” We often talk about what our Ebenezer is during this season and what has been nailed to the cross. Today, my Ebenezer is that Christ’s death on the cross in place of me not only saved me from the wrath of God but perfectly allows me to stand before God, holy and right, as He imputed His righteousness to me. Today I am reminded that my performance, my ability, and my self-righteousness were nailed to the cross.

I Gave Up Coffee for Lent…Then I Took it Back (Part I)

2010-03-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

Our family celebrates the Lent season every year. Not as a religious activity but a time to sacrificially give up some form of comfort and a time to feast in the Lord. It is our Ebenezer, a time to remember fully what Christ our Lord did on the Cross on our behalf. We should and do remember this all year but in celebration of Easter we love to amp this up considerably.

The first season we celebrated Lent was in 2005 and I had just started a new job at Starbucks Corporate. We had decided to give up food! We only consumed juices and clear broths; however our cheats were cream of chicken soup when we were really feeling tired or depleted. I remember my interview at Starbucks was the first day of Lent. I went in with a bottle of water and was too nervous to ask for more. By then end of my six hours of torture, I mean interview, I had an unbelievable migraine. I rushed out of there not feeling too well. On the way home I was so sick but so determined to make it home before surrendering. The minute I turned down my street I lost it and puked all over myself. I did not even have time to pull over and open the door. The rest of the season went well and I made it all the way to day 35 before totally giving into Red Robin!

Unfortunately I made that season more about weight loss than sacrificing and feasting in Christ. Also, already having a disturbed and confused metabolism I gained all that weight back plus another 25. I think I skipped Lent the next year. Since then I have modified my fasting to abstain from sugar, bad carbs, etc. I usually do make it about fasting from some type of food as that has generally been where I find my comfort.

This year when my husband asked the household what they were giving up I was a little at a loss. The last six months have been a complete change in lifestyle for me. I have lost a significant amount of weight and have really changed all my eating habits. I eat mainly organic whole foods. I, for the most part, avoid any processed, packaged, or canned foods, including flours, sauces, condiments, and dressings. I even finally weaned myself from all artificial sweeteners, soda, and things I am allergic to like sugar, dairy, and garlic. I do not look to food for comfort nearly as much as I used to because the foods that bring comfort are not something I want to put into my body. So what could I give up?

I really thought that if I did not give up coffee, which used to be a Venti Sugar Free Vanilla Breve Quad Latte, my husband would give me a hard time. So I made the ultimate sacrifice and decided to give up coffee, not caffeine but coffee. Coffee brings me great joy and satisfaction. I love to wake up to it, to warm up with it, to smell it, to know that anytime of the day I can find joy in it. I even love drinking a cup of decaf in the late afternoon. I of course added sugar and bad carbs to the mix to keep me from any occasional indulgence I may be tempted by.

To be honest, my heart has not been in it. I have not feasted in Christ. We do a daily study on the Atonement and I find I am rushing at the last minute to read my six pages to do the study with my family. I have not felt any need to depend on Christ. Honestly I have not felt like I was going to freak out without coffee although I have had a horrible headache (good indication of physical dependence). I have willed my way and just not thought much about it. I somehow have not felt I was doing this sacrificially or for Jesus. I woke up this morning and decided I was just going to have coffee. I do not feel like I needed it or I was going to die without it. I have not felt joy, so what’s up?

I went this morning and got my Venti (unsweetened/dairy free) Americano. Ah, joy! Ok, now really what’s up as I know my joy does not come from Espresso! Then it hit me! Since I quit working full-time in 2006, I have spent just about every morning enjoying 2 cups of coffee spending time with my Lord and Savior. It has been a sweet time for me. Sipping my coffee and either praying, conversing, reading, or worshipping. Since I have not been drinking coffee, I have not been enjoying that time with God. Instead, I am trying to find other moments in the day to connect and do my study. Often I am choosing time when others are around and it feels chaotic. My heart has not had the solitude and quite to hear Him. I have felt distant from Him but that did not make sense to me as I know He does not go anywhere.

I gave up coffee to please my husband. He is so passionate about the Lent season and a time to renew and remember what Christ did. I chose something for him, not Jesus. In turn, I sacrificed something far greater than my comfort. I sacrificed my peace and joy, Jesus. I sacrificed precious time with Him for the sake of pleasing man.

Since Lent began, I have had a nagging sense that my procrastination and laziness are destroying me. I have been consumed with all the things I cannot get done. I have procrastinated taking care of important personal matters and seemingly insignificant ones like mailing rebates on time. I get to a place of being so overwhelmed that I become paralyzed. When my husband asked me this morning what I would give up in place of coffee the first word that came to mind was procrastination. How do you give up procrastination and is that really sacrificial? When I really unpacked it I found that it is absolutely the most sacrificial thing I could give up.

As I mentioned the last six months have been a complete change in lifestyle for me. Losing a significant amount of weight and taking care of my body has allowed my overall activity, energy, and productivity to double if not more. I am more active than I have been in six years. I am on the go a lot; I have a lot of responsibility between a part-time job and overseeing several ministries at church, plus working out at the gym. We also have an extended family as we have opened up our home to two gals who intern at the church. As we do not like the idea of having “roommates”, we try to be very intentional in fellowship and living life together. All of this has given me a spirit of entitlement to “me” time which usually entails sitting on my bum or sleeping. I am not a big fan of TV so sleep is usually far more appealing to me.

I do have a lot of time where I could be taking care of personal matters, such as keeping bills organized, filing rebates on time, getting my documents and files in order. These items overwhelm me greatly and cause me to feel paralyzed. When I am paralyzed, I shut down, sleep, and go numb. I withdraw relationally. There are days when my entitlement kicks into overdrive and instead of going to the gym which is what I really desire; I chose to sit down on the couch and nap. My naps are generally filled with interruptions and are anything but restful. I wake up grouchy, dissatisfied, and guilty that I did not choose doing something beneficial or productive.

I think the biggest repercussion of my procrastination and laziness is the effect it has on my relationship with my husband. Being overwhelmed and my defense of shutting down include a great amount of sleep. Since my husband’s schedule is so crazy, my only time to really connect with him is late evenings and early mornings. Our evenings are usually spent connecting as a family. Either by our study, dinner, gym, or watching our favorite shows on TV. The only way to not sacrifice that time is to be intentional with each other after everyone goes to bed. By then, I am looking at how many hours of sleep I will be getting if I do not go to sleep immediately. I could be more intentional and get up a little early, not five minutes before I need to run out the door.

I experience Christ through my husband a lot. I would not truly know Christ today the way I do if it were not for my husband. Christ has worked through my husband in great ways. I have been hurt deeply by the people closest to me and have been abandoned and betrayed by many. Christ has redeemed relationships for me by my husband’s refusal to abandon or betray me and in his pursual of my heart. He has fought hard to win my heart and show me the love of Christ even when I refused to see. During this Lent season, I have avoided both my husband and my Lord. I have not been willing to sacrifice my comfort of sleep for the sake of relationship and intimacy.

So when I looked at what giving up procrastination and laziness for Lent meant, that was my neon sign. If I was diligent to just accomplish a few small tasks instead of napping or checking out and was willing to give up an hour of sleep every morning, I would have meaningful intimacy with my husband and Jesus. Giving up coffee sacrificed the wrong things and did nothing for my heart. Sacrificing my entitlement allows me to feast in both my husband and my Jesus.

To be continued…

My Prayers Are Too Small – My God Is Too Small

2009-09-27T19:40:00.000-07:00

We had a prayer meeting at church the other day during a leadership meeting. As I sat there I was moved by the many prayers for specific people in the church, community, and lives of the people praying. They really were beautiful prayers and I felt their heart as they prayed. Then someone came and smacked me upside the head. One of my brothers prayed a confession for all of us…he asked forgiveness for our prayers being too small and in turn making God small. He prayed that instead of us reaching a handful of people in West Seattle that the entire city of Seattle would know God and the entire nation would look on in disbelief! What??? Why would I pray for something so impossible?

My biggest prayer ever was that God would heal my dear friend Jeannie of cancer. I fully believed he would and to me that was asking the impossible, a true miracle. Why would I not have prayed that God would cure all cancer?

We had another prayer meeting the following night and again was struck by how limited and small I (we) pray. To be honest, lately I have been convicted about how small my world is, not in terms of prayer though. I was at the movie theatres to see an independent movie about food. I was in tears watching the previews! The first preview was for a movie called No Impact Man; my sadness was that I never even consider the impact I have on my environment. The simple things I could be doing to reduce my carbon footprint (by the way this is a new word in my vocabulary). The other movie was about an American Idol type series in Afghanistan called Afghan Star (http://www.afghanstardocumentary.com/). Here’s an excerpt:

But in a troubled country like Afghanistan, even music is controversial. Considered sacrilegious by the Mujahiddeen and outright banned by the Taliban (1996-2001), music has come to symbolize freedom for the youth. While the conflict still rages many of those taking part are literally risking their lives.

Our main characters reveal the true hopes and dreams of the Afghan youth, their desire for peace, education, and freedom to express themselves. 60% of the Afghan population are under 21, and despite the backdrop of conflict, corruption and repression they are funny, articulate and ultimately inspiring.

At that moment of watching these previews I was truly struck by how small my world is! I do not usually think much beyond what I see and experience. Paul David Tripp wrote in A Quest For More, “The little kingdom will quite regularly don the latex masks of outward participation in worship, obedience, and ministry. It will appear as though it is serving the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, when daily it is bowing before the throne of self. Driven by earth-bound treasures and anxiety –bound needs, its worship can only be the worship of self.”

More awareness of my little kingdom of me was revealed this week and I look forward to sharing that in another blog. For now, I am reflecting on what repentance should look like and how to move from my little world to the big world of God.

Blessed To Be On Holy Ground

2009-09-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

I had the amazing opportunity to hear about the suffering, shame, abuse and sin from some precious women this weekend. Although I shared tears and grieved with them, honestly it was really hard to not walk around all day with an immense joy and a big smile planted on my face.

My smile to most would seem out of place. There were tears, yelling, sobbing, and anger. How could I appear so content while so many women were bearing their soul and sharing secrets they probably never thought they would share? All I can say is Jesus, simply Jesus.

These women are beginning a journey that I have been on for several years. I get front row seats on their journey. I get to witness lives transformed as the lies about who they are and distortions about who God is are revealed. I get to watch as they behold the glory of God and enter into right worship with God, hearts aligned with their Savior. I get to sit with them as they identify their false idols and behold His glory and in turn His glory is reflected in their lives. I am blessed beyond measure with this privilege. Some might only get to witness this on occasion, I get to witness this every week, every season. I am truly honored and truly blessed to be right where I am, standing on holy ground.

I can stand with my sisters humbly and broken, weeping and rejoicing in their sin and suffering and be filled with hope as I know what Jesus did on their behalf. I do not have to wait for some future event; it has already been done, finished. I can fully expect on behalf of these women.

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God hrough our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

As they realize they have been fully forgiven and completely cleansed for the sins they committed and the sins committed against them; fear, shame, and condemnation no longer have any power over them. There is more…they have been made righteous! Jesus pours His righteousness into us – we cannot do it on our own. There is nothing we can do! This is life changing!

Romans 3: 21 But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— 22 the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God's righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

2 Corinthians 5: 16 From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

As exhausting and heavy as it is to hear so many women hurting in a great way, it is also exciting to know that over the next several weeks, they are going to see Jesus in a new way. The veil will be lifted in ways they never imagined, they will start to see with new eyes. They will begin to see their utter need for dependence on Him. How can I witness this and not desire to drop to my knees and worship when I behold His glory?

2 Corinthians 3:12 Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, 13 not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end. 14 But their minds were hardened. For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away. 15 Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts. 16 But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Happy Mother's Day - My Thankfulness

2009-05-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

I guess I don’t get Mother’s Day, at least not from the perspective of me being a mother receiving gifts or acts of service. The truth is I am the one who feels thankful. Thankful for a precious daughter who I know really does love me and a God who was willing to entrust this beautiful creation to me. It’s hard to receive appreciation for something that blesses me continually. Every day is a gift, so I don’t fully get one day a year celebrating me.

Sixteen years ago today, Mother’s Day landed 10 days before your birth. I remember sitting on the sidewalk outside my house that day all alone. I don’t know where my own mother was that day, I remember feeling pretty abandoned without family or friends. With only 10 days left I was full of anticipation. I pondered everything from excitement of meeting you, to fears of whether you would be healthy, and whether I would be a good mother, and important things like would you look like me? As any mother knows, those last few weeks of pregnancy are brutal. Both the physical discomfort and anxiety of sharing with the world that precious little being you’ve protected and bonded with for 9 months. I’m in awe it was sixteen years ago!

I had no idea then how fast the years would rush by, how many mistakes I would make along the way, how much I would really love you and how much you would love me, how your faith would chase me into the arms of Jesus. I would never guessed the number of tears that would fall from both of our eyes, the number of times we would hurt each other, how blessed I would be every day to wake up and hear “mommy”. I am thankful I have at least 2 more years to still make an impact on your life and at the same time terrified that I only have 2 more years to make an impact.

I have many memories of our time together. Today, the one that sticks out was when you were nine years old I had gone clothes shopping. You were always drawn to the jewelry section while I shopped and that day was the same as always. Unbeknownst to me, while I was trying on clothes, you had counted out all your pennies, nickels, and dimes and had bought me a watch. It was the first Mother’s Day present you had ever bought truly all on your own. I will never forget how proud you were that Sunday to give me my present along with soggy cheerios! Your beaming smile and excitement was the greatest gift of all but the watch you bought me was beautiful and I wore it proudly.

Today you gave me a precious gift, your heart. Like you, I have protected myself. Even as I read the letter I was afraid to feel. There have been times I have felt so much I thought I would just die. I’ve realized for a while now I have been preparing my heart for the day you leave and that has meant protecting it also. I am sorry too. My greatest desire would be for you to experience your heart’s desire but that truly is also my greatest fear. I won’t be able to protect you while you chase your dreams. I won’t be there to make sure all the doors are locked and that you’re safely tucked in.

As you are learning to give your heart to me and live out the person God created you to be, I have to learn to fully trust God’s protection and sovereignty over your life. I need to fully accept that you are first and foremost His daughter who He has allowed me to care for. I love you as much today as the day you were placed in my arms and I am truly thankful for you.

My Path to Submission

2009-03-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

In 2003 I met my husband on an online “Christian” dating website. When I created my profile I had to pick my favorite scriptures to put on there. I selectively went through the bible and found all the verses I could on submission and put on my profile that thinking I could at least put all my identity here rather in my past. At the time I did not have any idea what that meant. We were married just a few months later and I think on our wedding night I had my first opportunity to practice submission and found that there was absolutely nothing within me that was willing to submit to my new husband. I wondered why? My initial response was “well, he needs to earn my respect” along with other not so kind responses. I had no idea why at the time and I certainly was not interested in going to my past for the answers.

In looking back, I could see this long trail of men who had abused me, used me, abandoned me, or rejected me. It started with my grandfather at the age of 3 who sexually abused me, then my father at the age of 4 until I was 8 who also sexually abused me. There was also a long list of men that pursued me through my junior and senior high school years just to get what they wanted and then would discard me. I not only didn’t have a father who would protect me from these men, but he was the biggest perpetrator of all.

Right out of high school I married the first boy that actually did not use me. He had a big heart and was very kind to me in the beginning. Unfortunately, he had the mental capacity of a 15 year old boy and we had a pretty rocky marriage. When my daughter was just 6 months old, we endured the Northridge earthquake in California. We were living just outside of the epicenter and although we did not suffer any damage, I had to drive into Northridge to work. My days consisted of 4 hour commutes and 8 hours of work. We had a good friend who was also doing the same thing and since my husband was unemployed he stayed home and watched our girls. After several weeks of these long hours, 5-6 days per week, I got a phone call from him saying that my friend’s 15-mo baby was really sick. I called my sister-in-law to go check in on them and she called me back and said that she needed to be taken to the hospital right away.

I met the mother at the hospital several hours later to find out her daughter might be dying and they were concerned that my husband had done something to her. She told me that she had been advised to stop all communication with me and that I should probably leave. I was on my way out of the hospital when I was stopped by the officers saying they wanted to escort me home. I managed to call my sister-in-law before leaving asking her if she would go pick up my daughter right away. When I arrived at our apartment and got out of the car, there were about 5 police officers waiting to escort me into my apartment, each with their guns drawn at the door. I had never in my life been so terrified, confused, and alone. I spent the next several days trying to make sense out of it all. I had no idea whether that precious baby was going to survive and what was going to happen to my husband. I was hurting so deeply for my friend yet so thankful my daughter was ok.

The next several months would consist of court hearings that would leave me feeling alone and confused. Since none of it made any sense to me, I had a great fear that they might take my daughter from me. The information we heard at the court hearings never lined up with the story my husband gave me. I finally confronted my husband as if I were talking to a child who had been lying and he finally broke down and said in his frustration he had thrown the little girl against a wall. Thankfully, she survived but she had a long recovery ahead of her and had to relearn everything, including eating, talking, and walking, wear a helmet to control her seizures, and a brace on her arm and leg. The day my husband confessed, I packed my bags and left the little room we shared at his parent’s house. At that point, I found myself without a home, without a job, no money, on welfare, and a husband that was on his way to prison for 5 years. When I found myself at the grocery store trying to swap my food stamps for cash to buy my daughter diapers, I vowed that I would never depend on a man as long as I lived.

I spent the next four years working hard to raise my daughter while going to school full-time. In 1998 I married my second husband. By this time, I was close to graduating and was working for Hewlett-Packard/Agilent Technologies, climbing the corporate ladder. I thought that I maintained a lot of control in this marriage and although I had control from a financial perspective, I had little control in the marriage. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I found myself working 10-12 hour days, coming home and doing the cleaning and cooking, then spending the next 4 hours doing homework. If I did not clean the house, he would not speak to me or my daughter for days at a time. If I brought home take-out, it would be met with his disappointment. He was extremely strict towards my daughter, not even allowing her to run on the grass, discipline for her meant sitting at the table for hours on end. It would take a few years for me to discover that he was actually leading a double life…on the internet and who knows where else. His other life included online girlfriends with sexually explicit interactions, disappearing for days on end, phone sex lines, and downloaded porn. After about 2 years of “tolerating” his actions and no repentance, devastated…I filed for divorce.

Now I am married to an amazing godly man, now it is clear to me why submission was so hard. I was really making him pay for all the men who had been untrustworthy and had hurt me in great ways. Starting with a father who was supposed to love and protect me to husbands that had mistreated and betrayed me. There was nothing in me that had the desire or ability to “submit”. It went against my very being.

The first few years of our marriage I fought my husband every step of the way. I wanted my way all the time. Although it looked like this marriage was different and this man was honorable, I maintained as much control as I could. When we moved here I got a job that would offer the financial security I was used to. I was in complete rebellion yet my heart was being tugged on. I really desired to allow my husband to lead us and for the burden to be lifted off of me. I am very thankful that my husband did not allow me to manipulate, even though I tried, he held his ground. He did so in a loving way though, I never felt powered by him. Equally, God never powered me or forced me, it seemed there was always a gentle beckoning that was filled with grace even in my stubbornness.

During this time although I was still working hard and climbing the ladder at Starbucks Corporate, my heart was no longer in it. When I married my husband we had envisioned doing ministry together. That ended up looking more like him doing what he was called to do and me (due to my own fears) in the background hiding as the bookkeeper. I was often resentful and bitter about not being more involved in his ministry, I did not fully understand why it looked the way it did; it was not what I had envisioned. I wanted more, I wanted to serve God the way my husband did, but I was terrified of people and honestly had no discernment or gifting to serve in this manner. I would cry out to God begging Him to use me. I had a distorted view of God believing He was the one withholding from me.

Then my heart started to surrender. At the time, James was working at the Union Gospel Mission, making less than half of what I made. I came home one day and told him that I thought God wanted me to quit my job and stay home. He of course said I had lost my mind and that there was no way we could do it. We did all the numbers on paper and it looked impossible. I told him though that I really felt God was prompting this so we took a leap of faith and I quit my job.

Keep in mind that vow I had made years ago…that I would not depend on any man. God blessed our obedience in a big way. First, what did not look even remotely possible on paper as far as our budget, God made possible. That year I received 12 years worth of back child support which we used to pay off old debt. Secondly, He put it on our hearts to pull my daughter out of school and bring her home. We would not have been able to do that if I was still working. She has blossomed and excelled in school since we brought her home and I have been blessed to be able to spend so much time with her. Over the next several months I would get to spend hours a day learning about Jesus and His love for me and spend precious time with Him. My heart towards my husband began to change and I was finally able to see him as God saw him.

Our first year at Mars Hill Church I participated in my first Grace Group and also had the opportunity to go to Michigan for Leadership Training. The next quarter I was leading a Grace Group. I now lead Redemption Groups and this spring, I will be leading my 7th group in less than 3 years. I now have the privilege of walking alongside women of Mars Hill as a volunteer biblical counselor. My husband occasionally asks me to join him in counseling with couples. I fully believe my ability to do this came from surrendering and submitting to God, I was finally allowing the Holy Spirit to work in me. I do not think that it was necessarily that I have more knowledge than I did in the beginning of our marriage but I now a have righted view of God. I truly believe that only came from finally submitting to God.

I can now articulate and understand my heart in terms of submission. There truly isn’t any ability within me to submit to my husband, we are both sinners in a fallen world that come from horribly abusive pasts. We both entered into marriage with great wounding. My ability to submit to husband comes from a supernatural ability. It happens only when I am in submission to my Heavenly Father.

As I tried to control my life and proceed with self-sufficiency, I was only delaying what God intended for my marriage and our ministry together. I had a completely distorted view of submission. I really saw it as lowering myself so I in turn could be walked on, abused, betrayed, rejected, or abandoned. When I took my eyes off of myself and turned to Jesus in brokenness, I submitted without even realizing it. My heart just yearned for oneness with Him. When I keep my eyes on Jesus, my heart willingly submits to my husband. I have learned that when I have to consciously “submit”, meaning I have to think twice on whether I am willing to submit, then I am in sin, my heart is in rebellion. It is in those beautiful moments that I have realized after the fact that what I did was in fact “submit” and it came so naturally. The hardest part to accept is that when I refuse to submit to my husband I am really refusing to submit to God. When I have to struggle with submission, I am really struggling with God.

I love this passage from Rebecca Jones who wrote the book “Does Christianity Really Squash Women?” “Without the power and grace of Christ, the church cannot bring all things together under His headship. Without the power and grace of Christ, I will never begin to bring all things into my home together under the headship of my husband. That is why we have to be filled with the Spirit’s power in order to submit. (Women) need the Sprits’ strength and resurrection power to enable them to fulfill their calling as women. Submission is not for the weakling. It takes tremendous strength, as Jesus shows us when He submits to His Father's will and goes to the cross.”

I have realized that I am a hindrance to God's glory and all God intends my husband to be when I refuse to submit. I forget that my husband has a great accountability to God for his household and when I stay in rebellion, I am not allowing him to be all God intended. I am hindering God's glory from shining through my husband. It is not about some earthly man controlling me...it is about honoring God and his design for marriage AND biblical womanhood.

1 Peter 3:1-7
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you [1] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. [1] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

More Precious Than Jewels - My Conviction

2009-02-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

I am feeling so convicted today but it is a very sweet thing. Generally, my guilt over things leaves me feeling condemned and I will pull away relationally..from people and from God.

Today, I do not feel condemned, I feel loved and invited.

What do I feel convicted of? You name it! I have a godly desire to maintain my household (cleaning, organizing, decorating), I have a desire to be a good employee (follow through, be proactive, be efficient), I have a desire to understand my Jesus in bigger ways (theological studies), I have a desire to know my friends better and to be known by them, and I have a desire to be a better steward of my resources (finances, time, gifting); however, since I do not manage my time well, I do not get to most of these things or I do not do them well.

Conviction #1: Lack of Time Management

Proverbs 31:13-14
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.

I think this conviction has been brewing for awhile. I can almost hear myself saying “God, I can do this” and pushing Him aside. I created a schedule for myself last week. Not an hour by hour detail, but I wrote down the times I would wake up and what I would do the first two hours of every morning. Here is where I usually get tripped up in my day. I take the first 2 hours for me…enjoy my coffee, reading, updating my status on Facebook and seeing what my friends are up to, then I am to plunge into the day. The problem is I never get to the “read” and then I spend the next 2 hours frustrated because I am not ready to do the things I need to do as I am not done doing the things I want to do.

My schedule also included the hours in which I would do my bookkeeping job. All the other open hours should be the time I have to do household chores, errands, and visiting friends. On paper, it looked great. First day, I could not get out of bed at 8am so I slept an extra hour, which leads me to...

Conviction #2: Love of Sleep

Proverbs 31:15
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.

I do not get to see my husband much during the day; often it is 7pm before I even see him. The next two hours are spent preparing for and cleaning up after dinner. Then we usually all sit down and watch TV together. Somewhere between midnight and 1am, we usually head to bed. Now, I know 8 hours is an average but it is not my average. I prefer 9-10 hours. I have a pull to stay up longer to be with my husband versus getting to bed earlier so I can start my morning at a reasonable hour. In the end, I do not think I have even connected well with my husband since we have been in front of the TV for hours.

My husband is the cook; he is quite good at. I think I take advantage of this. I know he loves to serve our family in this way and I let him... fully. I do not feel convicted about not cooking; it is a gift and a blessing I hold dearly. I do believe I can contribute in a more significant way and if I did so would probably see my husband more and have more meaningful time together. I could plan on what we are going to eat, rather than waiting for him to drive home and trying to decide what he should pick up from the store. I could do a lot of the prep work before he even gets home. Chop the veggies, get pans ready, boil water, etc. Which leads to my next conviction...

Conviction #3: Idleness

Proverbs 31:27
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

I love one definition of the word idle: to pass time doing nothing. TV has never really been my idea of a great way to spend time. The first few years of our marriage, I did not even want it on and did not find anything worth watching. I recently, however, got sucked into 24, and then back into American Idol, and now the Biggest Loser. So I have three shows that I have to watch. The rest I could care less about and will generally pull out the laptop and occasionally check out what is happening on TV.

TV is not the only issue...I waste a lot of time doing nothing. Surfing the internet, reading the news (which just saddens me), Facebook, reading Blogs, etc.

Conviction #4: Taking Care of Me

Proverbs 31:17
She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.

When I think of taking care of me, I think of lying around enjoying me time…I do not think of my health and well-being. I am supposed to be taking a lot of supplements, but it is a lot of work organizing and swallowing that many pills. I am supposed to be avoiding certain foods (that are predominately in prepared foods), so I should be making most of my meals from scratch. I should be going to the gym, to keep my heart healthy and lungs strong.

Conviction #5: Stewarding My Resources

Proverbs 31:16; 18
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.

Proverbs 31:20

She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.

I am learning to steward our finances better…there is still work to do. There are some areas where I am really diligent and god-honoring and some areas where I do not even think twice. There are some areas where I am just plain stingy and other areas where I am just plain indulgent. Not a good balance.

Serving, I do this but I do not believe I do it well. It is something I am very passionate about and feel blessed by the privilege of the manner in which I get to serve. I often find myself on holy ground. Yet I often complain and grumble the moments leading into serving..I’m tired, I have so many things to do, I do not feel equipped, I am not in a good place…they go on and on.

Conviction #6: Wisdom

Proverbs 31:26
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

I avoid theology and theologians. My attitude towards certain points of theology has been that it does not impact my faith or my salvation and there are other more important things to concern myself with. It took struggling through the idea of Election and Predestination for me to see how God used my recent understanding of these ideas to speak the truth in love to someone about His love for us. Without the idea of election, my words would have seemed trite and like christianese. I have a desire to dive deeper into just a few right now…Election, Justification, Atonement, Propitiation, Expiation, and Assurance. Hence the overall conviction I am feeling right now…how and when?

I’ve always seen the Proverbs woman as unattainable. I am beginning to see how she is really just a model of what it looks like to live out biblical womanhood, an area I know very little about.

She is there to guide us and encourage us, not condemn and shame us because we do not live up to her standard. I believe she is in the bible as a gift from God to show us what a standard of beauty really is.

I Cried Myself To Sleep

2009-02-08T11:03:00.000-08:00

Last night. I did. Not just simple tears, nope. Full on sobs like when I was a little girl and my heart had been broken and it felt like my world as I knew it was falling apart. I cried out to God to please help me understand why. I know why is never a good question to ask God…if I could understand the why then I could be God. There is a part of me that really does want to know what He has planned for us and the other part of me that is absolutely terrified to know.

I have no idea where this outburst came from; honestly it came out of nowhere. It played out in a conversation with my husband but my sobs were so intense I could barely speak. I could only get a sentence in every few minutes or so before I finally fell asleep.

I did not say anything overly significant but it was a very significant moment. I was being brutally honest with myself, my husband, and my God. I was sharing my pain that I tend to keep buried so deep it would be impossible to feel. I believe God brought this up and out of me yet I have no idea why…yet.

I do not remember exactly what I said only the overall idea. I was confessing my intense hurt and lack of understanding at the fact that we have not been able to have a child together. How unbearably painful it is to read about mother’s who abandon their newborn babies in dumpsters…why does God let this happen? What can I possibly do to cause God to bless us? What have I done wrong? The lies I still have a tendency to struggle with…if I could do things better, if I was a better homemaker, if I loved Him more, if I weighed less…

I do not know what the moment was all about or what I was supposed to learn from it exactly. All I know is that it was a very sweet moment with my Lord and Savior where I was exposing my heart completely before Him and He was right there with me.

Many of the Psalms begin with a crying out to God or sometimes just a grumbling, the Psalmist will generally then move on to praising God. I missed the praising God as I fell asleep but I think He even blessed me with a really good night sleep. In the morning, I was praising God and continue to do so even though there are moments I cry out.

The truth is I am generally crying out in some way although I do not often recognize it. Even in my questioning God, I think He is pleased simply because I am choosing to turn to Him in my pain and in my need. He prefers my honest cries to Him over my denial and refusal to acknowledge Him in my pain.

Here are some examples of crying out taken directly from the Psalms:

5:1 Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.
2 Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,for to you do I pray.

10:1 Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

69:1 Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dimwith waiting for my God.

13:1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my souland have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

60:1 O God, you have rejected us, broken our defenses;
you have been angry; oh, restore us.

64:1 Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint;
preserve my life from dread of the enemy.

74:1 O God, why do you cast us off forever?
Why does your anger smoke against the sheep of your pasture?

77:1 I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;my soul refuses to be comforted.
3 When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints.

88:1 O Lord, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you.
2 Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry!
3 For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am a man who has no strength,
5 like one set loose among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
6 You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
7 Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah

8 You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
9 my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah
11 Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
12 Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

13 But I, O Lord, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
15 Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
17 They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
18 You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness.

Rejoicing in Hope of the Glory of God

2008-11-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

Last month I wrote about a hope that aches surrounding our desire for children. Struggling with infertility has definitely produced a hope that aches and the journey that I was on that resulted in my blog post was one of the most precious I have been on.

I needed to go through that journey in order to prepare my heart for the journey I am currently traveling. Two weeks ago I started having abdominal pain on my right side. Back in May, I had a tumor removed from my right ovary and I was diagnosed with endometriosis. After a couple doctors’ appointments and a few ultrasounds, I have learned I now have a new tumor growing inside my right ovary. I was a little discourage to find ourselves on this road again and facing another surgery yet I was still in pretty good spirits. My surgeon who is actually a Gynecological Oncologist wanted to send me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) since we want to preserve fertility and since he is not specialized in endometriosis.

I went to see the RE last week while my husband was out of town. I had already suspected that I had a tumor when my husband went out of town so I felt like I was in a good place to meet the doctor and learn what our best options were. I was so very wrong.

This doctor could not have been any more insensitive or harsh. Long story short, he said that my right ovary needed to be removed since the tumor was inside it and since the endometriosis will probably return and since I have very little chance of conceiving I might as well have the left ovary removed to avoid a third surgery. Um, what? I made it very clear that removing the left ovary was not an option. He said that since I have severe endometriosis, I’m overweight and my husband has had a vasectomy reversal, our only chance of conceiving would be IVF and due to my weight, he wouldn’t be able to do IVF. He also said that he considered me a high risk for surgery and that I needed to return to the Oncologist for the surgery. I could not get a single question out to him with any assurance I wouldn’t burst into tears. I just shook my head and waited until he left the room before allowing the tears to flow.

I immediately called the Oncologist to see what my options were only to learn he wouldn’t be back in the office for almost 2 weeks. Now what? I had just received the worst possible news while my husband was out of town and wouldn’t be able to find out my next steps for two week? Luckily, someone was able to at least get a hold of him and he tentatively scheduled my surgery for the week he returns. I have so many questions and so much conflicting information!

I then had the next three days to try and process all of this while my husband was out of town. I have tried to be strong and upbeat. I can handle another surgery, I can handle the pain associated with endometriosis; however, my mind and heart refuse to even begin to consider that we have no hope of conceiving. At least with infertility, I had a hope that we would still have children. I am now having to face a reality that there is a real possibility that we will never have children. The worst thing imaginable with infertility is all hope being stripped. I can barely type those words before the tears begin to flow uncontrollably. I am strong, even with life shattering circumstances I have proven how strong I am, but not with this, not without any hope.

Absence of hope is darkness. My hope in the ability to mother more children remains, however there is a great fear it will be stripped from me. Ultimately, I have to rest my hope in Christ. Anything outside of Chris is darkness. It is far more terrifying to imagine a life without Christ than a life without more children. This hope being robbed though gives me a glimpse of what kind of darkness would exist if not for Christ. I can’t imagine being faced with this kind of circumstance without Christ let alone a lifetime or eternity without Christ. Even as I write “my hope is in Christ”, I realize that I may not fully grasp what that means for me personally. I am looking forward to unpacking that and writing about it at a later time.

Sometimes having faith seems like there a BIG “to do” on my part, that the act of faith requires a huge amount of effort on my part. I have been feeling like I am just not up to it right now, I am weary and physically in a lot of pain. As I was pondering how much effort I needed to put forth in order to just rest and trust that God is in this, He reminded me that no amount of effort on my part will produce faith, all I need to do is surrender.

Here is the scripture that my heart has been clinging to this last week…

Romans 5: 1-5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Destroy My Heart

2008-11-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

As I was entering into a time of worship last week, I just felt disconnected and unmoved…a hardened heart. I was about to go into a group with hurting women and I wanted my heart to be softened by God, but not simply because of their stories of pain. I prayed that God would just destroy my heart.

Immediately I had a visual of my precious daughter being taken from me. I immediately said to God “no, that is not what I meant” but realized that I wanted to be broken but only in my terms, my definition. So as I started to run away from God in that moment, I felt Him pull me back and cause me to sit in the tension of desiring my heart to be completely broken by my sin and separation from him and yet wanting to hold on tightly to the gifts he has given me. I felt that nudge that I have heard others speak of, the one that says “if I take every earthly valuable thing from you, will you still call me God?” I still wanted to say “of course, just please not that one”. I did not run but I don’t think I totally surrendered either.

How do you surrender that one idol that you think you could not live without? I hate to think of my daughter as an idol but if I am going to hold on so tightly, she must be. I can remember prior to knowing Jesus thinking that if anything ever happened to my daughter I would just kill myself. I was completely bound in fear that something would happen to her. I still have some fears but they are not as gripping as before and although the thought of losing her makes me want to vomit, I know I could not take my life because it belongs to God.

As I started the writing above I thought the outcome was headed in a certain direction. As it has taken several weeks to unfold I can see how God has used the time to reveal something much bigger to me.

God has shown me in a very profound way that the visual of losing my daughter was not a physical loss but a spiritual loss; losing her heart. I could see how my daughter could turn away from me in her heart or far worse, turn away from God.

As I was contemplating what it looked like before to entrust my daughter completely to God, I was stuck in the need to protect her yet the sovereignty of God. For example, we would not let a young child cross a busy intersection alone just because God is sovereign. So as I think about that and how much I try to control my daughter’s well being unrealistically versus healthily, God has reminded me that I actually have a much bigger battle to consider and that is the battle for her heart.

I can do many things to protect her physical well being. I can also instruct her heart in the ways of the Lord, but ultimately I cannot do anything to control her heart. I cannot decide for her what to turn to. I cannot force her to choose good from evil nor can I force her to choose God over the things of this world. This is quite humbling. My self-sufficiency as a parent is shattered when it comes to my daughter’s heart. I am at a loss and incapable of doing anything other than turning to Christ and placing her heart at his feet and pleading before him that he would protect it and guide her. That he would grab hold of it and her love for Him would be stronger than any worldly pull on her heart.

The only control I have in this is lifting my precious daughter up in prayer constantly. Praying that God would also reveal to me how best to love and parent my daughter as she figures out who she is and desires to be. It is with a broken heart and utter dependence on Him that I enter into His presence on behalf of my daughter and humbly submit my agenda and motivations for the sake of my daughter’s heart.

God in the Details

2008-10-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how many details there are in a leaf? What about a flower, or a sunset, how about humans? We are amazingly made with every detail perfect and wonderfully designed. I tend to see God in the big things in life, not the small details of life. When faced with huge, unimaginable circumstances, there is no doubt who I turn to. In nightmares when I am crashing my car off of a cliff, I am crying out to Jesus. God is there in big moments of need. Why do I fail to see God in the details?

It is because I think I have the small things covered; I do not need God for little things. He is there for me when I need him, when I decide it is time to turn to him. If I can see God’s glorious design in the small things like the leaf, or the scent of my favorite flowers, or in the indescribable colors of a sunset, why can’t I believe He is in the small details of my life?

Why does it seem silly to me to turn to God when I am overwhelmed with cleaning my home or organizing paperwork, when I am scheduling our calendar and I have to decide what we are going to commit to in any given month, when I am just too tired to spend the time shopping for healthy foods and opt out for the convenience of take home? What about in the struggles of faith when my heart is hard and I know the bible answer but want to experience it in a greater way? Why do I think God will not show up there? Why do my prayers have to be so extreme? Why do I find it impossible that God would give me clarity and the energy to get my daily tasks done and provide a healthy meal for my family?

What am I afraid of surrendering? Self-sufficiency? My own plan? My will? I am sure most people think the answer is simple and turning to God in the small things is second nature to them but for whatever reason, I find it the most difficult thing to do. Maybe it is pride? Maybe I am too proud to admit that I cannot manage my life on my own, that I am not as efficient and capable as I have made myself believe. Maybe I do not believe God is interested in the details of my life? How gross and prideful is that? Maybe I do not really believe God likes me or desires to be with me?

That is a good one. That is a lie the enemy has been feeding me since I was a little girl and my friends did not stick around. I have heard that lie my entire life. I believed that about my mother, I believed it about my best friend in 2nd grade, my other best friend in 3rd grade, again in 4th, and in 5th…well any friend that ever entered my life eventually went away. Facebook actually saddens me. I look at my high school friends and can view their friends and they are all still connected. The same friends that hung out together in high school have the same friends on Facebook. I have not spoken to anyone from high school in exactly 19 years! Today I believe that about my brothers and sister who never contact me. I still believe it about my mother.

Sadly, I often hear the enemy tell me that my husband does not really like being around me, he just tolerates me. In moments of weakness and self-pity, this lie causes me to crumble into a Gina pity party and gives me “permission” to withhold from my husband. I often allow this lie to keep me from relationship with other women. I have a fear that they will get to know me, not like me and exit the relationship after I have poured my heart into it; just like in the past. As a result, I long for relationship but allow fear to overpower. I keep women at a safe distance, close enough to keep from being lonely but far enough to not be able to hurt me. I have however in the last two years taken huge risks in relationships and have made some wonderful friendships. I still fear that I keep them at a safer distance than I should but I know God is working on my heart there as well although I can see room for repentance, especially with my husband.

I do not have any resolution but I pray that I remain in this place as I work through the struggle. Am I really arrogant enough to believe that God’s word and promises are really for other people and not applicable to me? Am I willing to say it with my mouth because I am certainly saying it with my actions?

I want to be broken over the smallest of sin, even that which seems insignificant. I want to grieve not with worldly shame but a real broken heart over anything that separates me from God.

Hope Awakened...A Hope that Hurts

2008-10-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

Can you think of desires or longings that seem so far from ever happening that when you think of them actually bring a smile to your face? A nice longing to think that some day may or may not come true?

Now what about those longings that have a real possibility of becoming reality? Maybe those longing actually bring an ache to your heart when you think about them because they have yet to be realized.

My journey this year has been filled with hope and anticipation, yet longings that are left unrealized.

In 2006 my husband had his vasectomy reversed although we never followed up with testing to see if the surgery was successful. We didn’t think much about purposefully conceiving, we just carried on with intimacy as we were moved, not because I was close to ovulating. Our desire for children was there and we looked on lovingly at other children. It was a desire we had that was not a ruling desire, it seemed appropriate.

In May of 2008, I woke up with excruciating abdominal pain. Initially we thought it was appendicitis but further testing indicated a very large tumor on my ovary with some suspicion of cancer. After further consultation, I learned that my ovary would have to be removed along with the tumor. My doctor assured me that he would do his best to preserve fertility. I had to wait an entire week for the surgery and during that time ponder the possibilities. I was amazingly calm during that week and knew that kind of peace only comes from God. During that week I was never concerned with the possibility of cancer, only the thought of losing my fertility.

As I awoke from the anesthesia, I was informed that they had removed the tumor which was in fact benign but they were also able to preserve my ovary and not remove it. Additionally, the doctor told me that the procedure would increase fertility. Hope awakened…having children was now a real possibility for us! God had taken us through a moment of immense difficulty and leaning into Him only to bless us in a way we never imagined.

We decided to have my husband tested to ensure that his surgery had been successful and we were even more blessed to learn that it had been 100% successful and that our inability to conceive over the last 2 years was likely due to my tumor. Hope was on fire!

Over the next few months I would discover that I had several hormonal imbalances and conditions that had been impacting fertility. From thyroid to adrenal to testosterone, with each new discovery came a new supplement to take and more hope. The most recent discovery is that I’m insulin resistant which has a huge impact on fertility.

It is now five months later and I not do not seem any closer to being pregnant. Since May, I have charted my cycles, taken my temperature every morning, planned sex, made sure that my husband was ready when my body said it was time and certainly not before, as well as taking fertility drugs. I have had some months where I was so convinced I was pregnant that I wouldn’t have a glass of wine or take any Ibuprophen. Since I now had full expectation of getting pregnant, I began to hit very low points in the month when I would get my period. Hope would gradually escalate during the month until it would come crashing down. Emotionally I would feel it; “why God have you given me this desire and hope just to let me down each month?” Additionally, I felt it physically in extreme and unexpected ways. The let down of not physically being pregnant caught me off guard. The awakened hope has caused an ache in my heart beyond belief, truly a hope that hurts.

I have wrestled with self-righteousness by almost bragging, well at least I’m not angry with God, at least I’m still happy for those who are able to get pregnant, and at least I’m not bitter. Far worse, I have elevated having a baby above everything, even my relationship with God. I have withheld intimacy and my heart from my husband because talking about it is too painful and assuming he couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through, assuming he isn’t going through his own pain as well. For this baby, I am truly sorry; I know your desires for children are as great as mine if not more. I pray that God gives me your understanding, your patience, and your faith. I also pray that he gives me the heart to hear you and not dismiss you because I believe my pain is greater.

I have been just like the Hebrews being delivered from Egypt. I spent my entire life in slavery to others and my own bondage; unloved and unprotected. God delivered me in the most amazing and redemptive way. He also delivered me from the possibility of cancer; not once but twice. Instead of being thankful that I’m loved, protected, cared for, adored, alive, and healthy, I’m groaning and complaining that he hasn’t given me more, the desires that I long for.

Just this weekend I came to a place where I truly desire God’s will for our family, even if the answer is no. On the days that my period appeared, I cried out to God that I didn’t want to have a baby more than I wanted to be in His presence; that I didn’t want to see Him as just a blessing giver. I truly mean that with all my heart, yet in all my actions it would seem that I do in fact desire a baby more than I desire to be in His presence and I often do see Him as a blessing giver. What I fear most is that my heart is going through the motion of surrender so that in turn He will bless us. I pray that not be so! I do not desire to be in a place where all month long I’m planning and obsessing about conceiving only to convince myself this must be the month I’m pregnant then to be racked with disappointment when my period arrives and all hope is flushed. I don’t want to avoid sex and intimacy with my husband for fear it will set me up for greater disappointment.

I long to walk through the month trusting in God’s will for our family and leaning into Him with an honest heart that desires nothing more than communion and relationship with Him. That when my desires (the desires He has given me) go unmet that I’m still praising Him for delivering me from Egypt. That I’m thankful for a beautiful daughter that was hand-picked for me and a husband that has fought the fight no man was ever willing to battle on my behalf.

I don’t want my prayers to be God take this desire from me, I want them to be Lord hold me tight during disappointment, cry and grieve with me yet lift my face up to yours and show me your tears, your radiance, your love for your daughter. Chase the enemy’s lies far away, let me not even ponder his ridiculous statement even for a moment but to laugh in his face and tell him that I know the truth and I believe whole-heartedly that not having a baby does not depict who I am or how You Lord chose to love and bless me.

I don’t want to just say with my mouth “God has a perfect plan for me” but to stand firm in that truth and be thankful and praise Him for that truth; not to feel better or for pain to be minimized but simply because that is the truth and God stands by His promises.

Undeserved Grace

2008-09-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

My husband came home today and hands me a CD and a card with my name on it (the writing is not his). As I take the card my first thought is, oh I must have blessed somebody in some way. Um, not exactly, in fact I would say quite the opposite. As I opened the card my eyes immediately fell on the signature and before I could even read it, I dropped into a chair and began to sob. My daughter rushed to my side, took the card, and then without even trying to console me acknowledged in a nod that I just need to work through it. I immediately listened to the CD and just turned to Christ in repentance.

Not only do I not deserve to be blessed by this friend, I should be rebuked and admonished. I have absolutely sucked at being a friend on many levels. First, I had an opportunity to be an instrument in reconciliation, yet I chose to not get involved—I was a coward. I didn’t know or even understand the entire situation and instead of being led by my heart, I was led by my fear of man. Second, during what must be an incredibly challenging trial, I have been absent.

She’s been on my heart every day. I think about her often and pray for her a lot. I have every intention of reaching out, an email, a phone call, or some encouraging word; yet I allow my own self-centeredness and idea of busyness get in the way of doing just that. I miss her like crazy. I miss sharing with her the details of everyday life, the silly things I do and say, the chaotic moments when the burdens feel almost too much to bear. I miss hearing her heart for Jesus. I love reading her blogs, but those are the finished product. I miss hearing her in the midst of the struggle, the reconciling of her heart, mind, and convictions. I miss hearing the same CD replay itself over and over. Now that it’s getting colder, I even miss the warmth of a too hot room.

The CD is Chris Tomlin’s new CD and it is amazing. It even has one of my new favorite songs on it, God of this City. We sing this song at church and I think I’m the loudest one there singing it, it’s beautiful. I think it’s especially meaningful because my friend has remembered a small detail about me, that I really love his songwriting and music. Thank you for the CD, it will always be a treasure.

So my dear friend, I ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for my unwillingness to stand in the gap on your behalf, for not being a friend in time of need, and for minimizing our friendship. I thank you for being Jesus to me in the midst of it, and reminding me of what undeserved grace really is. With love, Gina

My Journey from Gluttony...not quite what I expected (Part II)

2008-06-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

In my last article, I shared my journey out of gluttony and how I was still left with the aftermath of sin, being overweight and frustrated. In January of this year, I stepped it up on the “behavioral” side and started counting calories and going to the gym. For four months, I switched it up between 1200 and 1800 calories. I also started going to the gym and working out HARD at least 4-5 days per week. Nothing! Not a single pound lost! I even purchased personal training sessions to help.

I started to wonder if maybe I wasn’t eating enough food because it seemed like I was eating good food. Why wouldn’t the pounds come off? My husband would often joke that it was God’s sense of humor, and that I wasn’t supposed to be concerned with the results. It was as if God was putting His finger on the scale every time I got on it.

In my mind, even if I was eating too much or not enough, having gone from being 100% sedentary to working out 5 days per week, there should have been some downward momentum on the scale, something? Nope.

In March, I finally decided it was time to see a Naturopath. I wasn’t able to get an appointment for over one month. So I continued on with my eating and working out with no success. I finally got to see my Naturopath in late April. Here’s really why I feel inspired to share what I learned, my guess is that there are many women who are or have experienced what I have. Even being the overweight person, I realized I was just as judgmental towards overweight people as skinny people are (no offense to nonjudgmental skinny people). I always saw myself and others who struggle with their weight as unmotivated and lazy.

My first appointment with the Naturopath was extremely enlightening. She did blood work but prior to any results she listened to my long list of symptoms of why I needed to be there. The reoccurring theme in everything I listed was that I was just plain exhausted. She could tell bottom line without any results that it was obvious my metabolism had stopped working, which I had pretty much assumed at that point. Yet I had no idea how integrated my metabolism was for my entire body to function properly. Long story short, it appears that my many years of diet pill usage had wreaked havoc on every system in my body. I have since learned that I have Hypothyroidism, Adrenal fatigue, Anemia, Vitamin D3 deficiency, low anabolic steroid and elevated liver enzymes. These ailments all had compounding impact on weight loss and energy levels.

She also shared with me (and I have since found a book that supports her reasoning) that because my metabolism isn’t functioning properly, when I sit down and eat a 500 calorie meal, my body immediately stores at least 300 calories. It only has the ability to use about 200 calories at any given time. So if I only eat 1500 calories in 3 meals, than I am off the top storing at least 900 of those calories. The key is to eat at least 6 meals a day with no more than 300 calories at any given meal.

I have been spending some extra time educating myself on how my body should and does function. I found a book called Ultrametabolism by Mark Hyman, MD that has been extremely insightful. Basically the author says (I just love it), that it’s not my fault! Can you believe there’s a book out there that says it’s not your fault? Well, in my case it kind of was my fault to a large degree but after reading this I see how there were many factors beyond my control that have been contributing and it all boils down to the fact that I have no understanding of how my body works and what it needs to function optimally, or at all for that matter.

You can check the book out for further reading but it boils down to the fact that whole foods are key, our bodies aren’t meant to digest many of the foods available today, our bodies weren’t meant to process the chemicals and toxins we’re exposed to, and once your body starts reacting there isn’t much you can do by simply eating less to counter the problems.

Our internal system is highly connected and when there’s a problem with one area it will impact other areas. One of the most important things I’ve read is because our “convenience” foods are so over processed they are depleted of the nutrients our bodies need to function properly. A main culprit of this is high-fructose corn syrup. This stuff is so bad! It is the stuff that causes us to overeat and gain weight. It keeps us hungry and it keeps us from knowing that we are full. I haven’t even hit on possible food allergies yet, that’s my next project. I do know that if there are hidden allergies, you might as well not even try dieting as it will be impossible if you are eating something you’re allergic to. Basically you shut down your whole system.

I wanted to share some of this for those who have checked their hearts for gluttony, yet find it really hard or impossible to lose weight. There is a whole system within us that has been damaged and it will take the right foods and supplements to heal it.

I have also learned how my body has worked against me for fertility and even my sex drive. What I thought was possible sin on my part was actually hormonal. Compounding impacts!

P.S. you can download a summary of Ultrametabilism for free here: http://www.ultrametabolism.com/

My Journey from Gluttony...not quite what I expected (Part I)

2008-06-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading an article over at Reforming the Feminine titled “Body Shame…Legitimate or Illegitimate” written by Adriel (http://voxpopnetwork.com/reformingthefeminine/2008/06/13/body-shame-legitimate-or-illegitimate/).

This article was timely because it has actually been on my heart a lot the last few weeks. I have struggled with my weight for the last five years. Actually since high school but many years of consuming diet pill helped keep my weight manageable. When I stopped taking the diet pills, I gained 100 pounds in less than one year. Now there were some compounding issues that I believe caused an exponential weight gain but I still think the heart of the matter stemmed from gluttony.

In the last five years, I have had periods of gluttony, fasting, crash dieting, and a lot of praying! I recall making a comment last year that I knew I could lose weight by sheer will power alone but that would not cause a heart-change. I now know differently and that is what is inspiring this writing. Having come across the right book and the right Naturopath I have learned some significant things about my body and I want to shout it out to everyone who is struggling with weight loss. I will address this in my next article.

About a year ago I felt that I had acknowledged, recognized, and addressed my gluttonous behavior. I searched my heart and my desires and could see how food was a treasured idol in my life. As I would eat a meal, I would be fantasizing about what my next meal would be. If I missed a meal, I was grouchy and not so nice to be around. Food consumed me. I finally got the phrase “eat to live, not live to eat”. Changing my eating habits came quite easily once I re-orientated my heart.

I just knew that within one year I would be 100 pounds lighter. Well it’s one year later and guess what? I weight about 10 pounds more than I did last year. What? Has my heart changed in the last year? Yes it has, but even more I see food as a source of energy and not a source of comfort. Is it an idol? That’s a good question. I spend a lot of time thinking about food but not in the same way. I think of ways to eat healthier and what my body needs as opposed to thinking what would make me feel less pain and give me more comfort. I believe there can still be an idol in there somewhere if my thoughts of food are consuming me (even healthy foods). I don’t think it is at this point but I’m always hyper aware of that tension.

My desire with this writing is to share my story of gluttony and the consequences of sinful eating, but I must first give credit where it is due. My ability to turn from a gluttonous heart only comes from Jesus Christ. By turning my heart towards Jesus and worshipping Him instead of myself, I am able to overcome sinful eating habits without “willing” myself or “behaving” better. It really came naturally. Better food choices and portion control are not so calculated, it’s just what I know my body needs to feel its best.

With all that said and the expectation that I would be much lighter now, I have been extremely frustrated and confused to why my body has not responded to a change in heart. I am now more aware of what my body looks like than when I was eating whatever I wanted and however much I wanted. I know my heart is in the right place, yet my body tells a different story. The enemy feeds me lies that are so believable! The lies I hear and sometimes tend to believe are that when people see me, they see someone who has no self-control, who is lazy, and who must overeat all the time. I want to walk around telling people that it isn’t true. I have always believed that overeating was probably one of the few sins that are an obvious sin to others.

Adriel mentions in her article above that when you have mistreated and sinned against your body with sinful eating, your body works AGAINST you to retain the extra weight. This should be an AH-HA moment for anyone who has struggled with gluttony and now has a heart centered on worshipping Jesus. I will be saving my AH-HA moment for Part II – To Be Continued…

Seven in Six, really Lord?

2008-04-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

I can’t really believe it’s true but so it seems. I want to stomp my feet and throw myself on the floor just thinking about it.

Since 2002, I have moved six times. I moved from California to Colorado, from an apartment in Colorado into the basement of a friend, from Colorado to an apartment in Seattle, from that apartment into a run-down house in West Seattle, from that same run-down flooded home to a wonderful home in Tukwila, to my favorite home so far in North Seattle. My daughter has attended 8 different schools in that same time frame. Luckily for her, this upcoming move won’t affect her since she now attends an online school.

We moved into our current home in August last year. I had about 2 weeks’ notice in which to pack up our previous home where we had spent the last 2 ½ years. I was so convinced that we would spend the next several years in this perfect home that even though I was exhausted from moving, I found just enough energy to paint an office, three bedrooms, an enormous living room, dining room, hallway, and the tightest little bathroom imaginable within the first 2 months of living here. I fell in love with North Seattle and thanked God daily for such a blessing.

I learned last week that our landlord has decided to put our home on the market. Trying not to panic, I calmly made arrangements with him to show the home. The same day the home went on the market; my husband received a phone call from a friend wondering if we would be interested in renting their home in South Seattle. I had many mixed reactions but overall felt like this was a huge blessing and possibly God calling us back to the place we love so much. This home would possibly be available in June. I made arrangements with my landlord that we would show the home within 24 hours to whomever but he would have to let us out of our lease 2 months early so we could move into this other home. I made it through the weekend by pondering the move into this new home and allowing my heart to fall in love with the idea. What I didn’t know at the time was that this home was not an absolute yet.

I woke up Monday morning with the heavy realization of the possibility that the home we live in could sell at any moment and we could possibly not have a clue as to where we were going. I don’t do so well with uncertainty. So I quickly turned to my husband and told him “you need to solidify our plans to move south, immediately! There was no way I could handle the uncertainly and stress of not knowing where we were going to live. I needed to know and the sooner you do this the sooner I could just relax and not fret.” My husband, always looking to Jesus, said that I just needed to trust God and be patient to which I replied that I wasn’t looking for a bible answer to my dilemma.

Oh, the heart can be ugly when it wants what it wants. It’s not that I don’t know that I need to trust God, that was a “duh” for me. What I “needed” from my husband was to for him to take me into his arms and console me and tell me how much he understood how stressful this was for me and if there was anything he could do to make it easier for me he was willing. I managed to express my disgust for his lack of compassion and quickly left the room to start my not-so-great Monday morning.

If you can’t tell by now, I have control issues. I have had them probably since birth but in the last four years my loving husband has taken many opportunities to show me what a control-freak I really am. God has worked wonders on me and to some extent I have responded in humility and obedience, but mostly I still stomp my feet and stand in resistance.

I can tell you that I want to trust in God more than anything, I truly desire this. But living it out in real life tends to look different. God has shown Himself so faithful and has blessed me when I clearly did not deserve to be blessed. Why is it so hard to imagine that He would want the absolute best for me? Why do I resist Him so?

The answer must lie in what I truly worship and from my temper-tantrums it’s clear that I am more in love with the little kingdom of Gina than I am with the awesome Kingdom of my Lord and Savior. Does Jesus promise me that I will be comfortable and live in the home of my dreams? No. Does He promise me that I won’t have to fret and worry? Well, actually he does. I’m reading A Quest for More right now and Paul David Tripp says “And worry never changes anything…At the end of an hour of anxious fretting, none of the things that I have worried about have changed a bit. Yet worry changes me. It is a cancer on my soul. Worry eats away my time, rest, strength, courage, hope, character, relationships, purpose, worship, joy, and satisfaction. It is a disease that is always terminal. It will never work.” There are many scripture versus about being anxious that smack me right between the eyes.

So I guess I am halfway there in that I am confessing my desire to worship what God has to offer me rather than God. What about repentance? When will I turn from fretting and anxiety and just believe God’s word and worship Him without any motivation?

Redeeming Love

2008-04-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share the first evidence of grace that I could actually acknowledge, total redemption, my husband James.

When I met my husband on the internet (of all places), most people would (and some did) say this is not the man for you, he’s the one you should be running from, based strictly on his past. I think God must have given me a glimpse of his future because I had never felt so much peace and comfort knowing this is the man I would spend the rest of my life with. As a single mom who had experienced so much abuse and abandonment, the world would say I should have been more cautious and taken more time. Yet I knew that God was calling me to something bigger than I had ever imagined, honestly I had no idea how big it would become.

There is so much to unpack with this union of two lives. There was so much abuse, infidelity, divorces, and drugs between our pasts. How could we ever trust each other? How could we ever learn to love each other? How could this ever work? The answer is simple yet so extraordinary…Jesus Christ.

I have to admit the first couple of years were probably some of the hardest in my life. I suddenly had someone who was willing to walk alongside me and help me understand the pain of my past. I had always felt it was best to forget what happened, push it aside and move on. What I didn’t realize was that I had allowed what happened to me to define and dictate my relational skills and behaviors. Rage is probably the best way to describe what I felt the first two years of our marriage.

By the third year, I really felt God moving and experienced a hundred-fold growth in my spiritual life and in my marriage. I felt God was calling me to leave my career and come home and care for my family. This is huge and I’ll save it for another time. That same year I took a real deep look at my abuse and for the first time I could see how I was really sinning against God and especially my husband. Since then I have walked alongside my husband and other couples to see restoration in their marriages. I have helped lead women to healing (Jesus) whose husbands struggle with sexual sin. God continually uses the pain of my past to speak into women’s lives.

My husband has loved me well even in the midst of my raging attacks. He has led me to completely seek Jesus in all my pain and in all my joy. His faith and his love for Christ are truly an inspiration and example. It is so much easier to follow a man who completely has his eyes on Jesus Christ and His glory.

My husband has been my Hosea, my redeeming love. God has used my husband to pursue me. To think that God would take a broken and hurting man to pursue a broken and hurting woman, so He could love on me is amazing!

2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.