Last week the glorious sun made an appearance over Seattle for a few days. It wasn’t quite warm but you could feel the warmth of the sunshine and for an early February it felt magnificent. Unfortunately, I was busy and really didn’t get to enjoy it. Truthfully, I think I avoided it; however once it made its appearance I realized I began to reminisce about warmer, happier days long ago.
For the first time in eight years, I started to long for warm sunny days in California. I haven’t missed California since the day I left. Driving out of California towards Colorado was the easiest thing I ever did and I never looked back. Why suddenly was I longing for a place that only reminded me of heartache and devastation? Not much good happened in California, it was a distant reminder of tons of abuse and abandonment…
I honestly could see myself back in California, the warmer winters with the dry wind. The hot summers where the air conditioner would kick in at 7am in the morning, the hot nights trying to fall asleep with just the sheets on and a cool damp wash cloth plastered to my forehead…why was this appealing to me now?
I realized that I had started to idolize the sun. I was dependent on its presence to improve my mood; its presence dictated a happy disposition. Seattle winters can feel dark and lonely, especially when you grow up in the California sun and gray days are a rare occurrence. Even though California represented some of the darkest moments of my life, the sun was a shining light that I have missed. I had to face the fact that I had been looking for some external factor in my life to dictate my mood…sunshine.
So as the sun shined bright last week, I found myself in greater sadness and isolation. What I realized was that I am constantly looking for some external factor to “save” me from my current circumstances; to relieve my current pain or situation. That a little “sunshine” would make everything ok for a moment. I realized that my circumstances really drive a lot in my life. I am constantly looking for a way out of my current situation…the sunshine a reminder of days past.
Seattle (and its dark skies) currently is a representation of pain and (false) hope lost and refocusing on someone place other than here seemed perfect and right. This just led to the conviction that I was looking to external comforts to get me through the pain rather than leaning in on God and expecting and hoping that our circumstances are His right and perfect plan.
So as painful as it is right now, I am thankful that the sunshine has hidden itself from our presence and I have no choice but to search for warmth and comfort it in its rightful place…at the throne of God.