We have had a pretty hard week, probably the hardest since September. It’s like we finally ripped the Band-Aid off an old wound to find out the wound hadn’t healed and now was exposed to the air and stings anew.
In the recent turn of events I have wanted to respond, to state the truth, to be heard, to be justified. My inability to do so has left me hurting and angry. The scenarios of how I can set the record straight have played out a thousand different ways in my head, how the conversation would sound or the email would read. Instead, I have stomped my feet and shaken my fists. I have wanted this injustice righted and acknowledgement of wrong-doing.
In my spinning, the lovely Mr. redirected me to the only real truth that counts…the gospel. That in my weakness His strength has been perfected; the real injustice of Jesus on the cross and my need to be right was perfected in His rightness. My need for other’s to see this rightly or us differently was causing me to focus on me and not my need for Him. That my peace and joy was being dictated by how other’s perceived us or the situation and not on the truth that it can only come from God and I already possess both. My peace and joy are not dependent on anything; actually they are the two things I can count on with 100% certainty.
Even though in this particular scenario I could point fingers and be cleared the truth is that I have a long list of sin and wrong-doing that I am in fact guilty of. I can set my list up and then evaluate the “severity” of the sins and then focus on how I have been wronged rather than my own wrongdoing because those are less severe. Thankfully, that is not how the gospel works. I stand as guilty in my sin as the murderer without the cross. The cross however says that because Jesus stood in my place as the guilty one, I am as justified and righteous as the murderer. Only the cross has the ability to declare this as truth not my list of injustice, pain, incorrect facts, etc.
I am so very thankful that I can rest in this truth. I can stop spinning and scheming and playing it through my head. I am free to just rest in the presence of my Lord who cleared my name long ago. Lord please continue to give me this strength in my weakness, that my spinning would be an instant reminder of my need for you and that I can just stop and rest.