In seasons of not knowing what is next, I have a sinful habit of wanting to just get a glimpse of what God has for us and then taking charge and "making it happen". This has played out numerous times in our eight years of marriage. In regards to our struggle with infertility, we had some interesting conversations around “making it happen”. I am thankful that we ultimately decided the best plan was God’s plan whatever that might be.
At the root of “making it happen” is a desire for me to define what I believe is good. I wrestle with the situation, decide what a good (or redemptive) outcome looks like, and I take charge to ensure my desired outcome happens.
You would think I would take more cues from the bible and see that “making it happen” outside of God’s timing and will is not wise or beneficial or ultimately good (as I would define it). We see a picture of this in Genesis 16 when Abram and Sarai, understanding what God had promised them, but not having faith in His timing take things into their own hands.
1 Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. She had a female Egyptian servant whose name was Hagar. 2 And Sarai said to Abram, “Behold now, the LORD has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children[a] by her.” And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai. 3 So, after Abram had lived ten years in the land of Canaan, Sarai, Abram's wife, took Hagar the Egyptian, her servant, and gave her to Abram her husband as a wife. 4 And he went in to Hagar, and she conceived. And when she saw that she had conceived, she looked with contempt on her mistress.[b] 5 And Sarai said to Abram, “May the wrong done to me be on you! I gave my servant to your embrace, and when she saw that she had conceived, she looked on me with contempt. May the LORD judge between you and me!” 6 But Abram said to Sarai, “Behold, your servant is in your power; do to her as you please.” Then Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her.
It has been a hard season of not knowing or understanding what God is calling us to (specifically). God has made it clear what ultimately He is asking but has not given us much clue about where, when, or how. It has been a hard season of knowing what He’s called us to and being patient as we wait for the specifics of what that would look like. I believe God has left me (us) in the dark intentionally so that I would not move forward to “make it happen”. This has been a season of walking in faith and trusting God with all things. If I knew what He was doing and where He was sending us, I wouldn’t need to sit in faith; I could just move forward.
I am thankful for His timing and that He has given me the peace and (little) understanding of our next season so that these past few months would be about Him. As I begin to see things gaining momentum and things falling into place at just the right moment I am fully aware of how comforting it is to rest in His presence and trust that He has defined all good in my life.