I’ve been meaning to write a blog for the last week about the amazing things God has been doing in my marriage but lo’ and behold the enemy has other plans the last few days. We had been hitting a pretty good rhythm of intentionality, intimacy, and oneness and even fighting hard for each other in the midst of conflict. I’m not sure what happened this week but it has been hard. We have been hearing a lot of lies (both of us), struggling to find meaning, and in the midst completely missing each other. I don’t know if it coincided with returning to community group or not but this week has been weighty and tiring.
In the midst of it, my husband went centered and I went controlling. As he was seeking his comfort and relief from his pain, I turned to withholding. Old habits that I have prayed would never return in our marriage. I really wanted to share about all God has done in the last few weeks to unite us and bring us unbelievable peace, comfort, and joy.
I absolutely hate this feeling of being separated from him; divided. I am angry and hurt right now. I am quite content sitting in my world of entitlement. I deserve to be loved greater than this, if he’s going to choose to be self-centered why is up to me to move us towards oneness? As much as I hate being divided, I in the moment hate the humility it takes for me to move towards him in love and grace to see past this moment and fight for unity. He is wrong and he is not loving or leading me well in this moment. Like every moment we’ve endured in the last month, this one needs the blood of Jesus as much as those.
I would much rather go to bed right now, justified in my anger and hurt, and make him pay for treating me this way. Sadly, I probably will but not because I am justified or because I have the (right) or ability to make him pay but because I am a great sinner and in the moment don’t want to choose God’s truth for our marriage.
God has done amazing things in our marriage lately and I’m not going to discount any of it just because I’m frustrated. I am however very aware of how much we’ve learned over the last month was not just when things are really bad but these are truths for every moment of everyday. I just pray that God would pour out His grace on me right now so that I can extend it to my husband. I am too tired and too weak in this moment to do anything, which may be exactly the best place to be.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.