Sunday, February 8, 2009

I Cried Myself To Sleep

Last night. I did. Not just simple tears, nope. Full on sobs like when I was a little girl and my heart had been broken and it felt like my world as I knew it was falling apart. I cried out to God to please help me understand why. I know why is never a good question to ask God…if I could understand the why then I could be God. There is a part of me that really does want to know what He has planned for us and the other part of me that is absolutely terrified to know.

I have no idea where this outburst came from; honestly it came out of nowhere. It played out in a conversation with my husband but my sobs were so intense I could barely speak. I could only get a sentence in every few minutes or so before I finally fell asleep.

I did not say anything overly significant but it was a very significant moment. I was being brutally honest with myself, my husband, and my God. I was sharing my pain that I tend to keep buried so deep it would be impossible to feel. I believe God brought this up and out of me yet I have no idea why…yet.

I do not remember exactly what I said only the overall idea. I was confessing my intense hurt and lack of understanding at the fact that we have not been able to have a child together. How unbearably painful it is to read about mother’s who abandon their newborn babies in dumpsters…why does God let this happen? What can I possibly do to cause God to bless us? What have I done wrong? The lies I still have a tendency to struggle with…if I could do things better, if I was a better homemaker, if I loved Him more, if I weighed less…

I do not know what the moment was all about or what I was supposed to learn from it exactly. All I know is that it was a very sweet moment with my Lord and Savior where I was exposing my heart completely before Him and He was right there with me.

Many of the Psalms begin with a crying out to God or sometimes just a grumbling, the Psalmist will generally then move on to praising God. I missed the praising God as I fell asleep but I think He even blessed me with a really good night sleep. In the morning, I was praising God and continue to do so even though there are moments I cry out.

The truth is I am generally crying out in some way although I do not often recognize it. Even in my questioning God, I think He is pleased simply because I am choosing to turn to Him in my pain and in my need. He prefers my honest cries to Him over my denial and refusal to acknowledge Him in my pain.

Here are some examples of crying out taken directly from the Psalms:

5:1 Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.
2 Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,for to you do I pray.

10:1 Why, O Lord, do you stand far away?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

69:1 Save me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3 I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dimwith waiting for my God.

13:1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my souland have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

22:1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

60:1 O God, you have rejected us, broken our defenses;
you have been angry; oh, restore us.

64:1 Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint;
preserve my life from dread of the enemy.

74:1 O God, why do you cast us off forever?
Why does your anger smoke against the sheep of your pasture?

77:1 I cry aloud to God,
aloud to God, and he will hear me.
2 In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord;
in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying;my soul refuses to be comforted.
3 When I remember God, I moan;
when I meditate, my spirit faints.

88:1 O Lord, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you.
2 Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry!
3 For my soul is full of troubles,

and my life draws near to Sheol.
4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am a man who has no strength,
5 like one set loose among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
6 You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
7 Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah

8 You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
9 my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah
11 Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
12 Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

13 But I, O Lord, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
15 Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
17 They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
18 You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness.

1 comment:

Bina H. Ellefsen said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. Praying for you, my dear sister.