Have you ever noticed how many details there are in a leaf? What about a flower, or a sunset, how about humans? We are amazingly made with every detail perfect and wonderfully designed. I tend to see God in the big things in life, not the small details of life. When faced with huge, unimaginable circumstances, there is no doubt who I turn to. In nightmares when I am crashing my car off of a cliff, I am crying out to Jesus. God is there in big moments of need. Why do I fail to see God in the details?
It is because I think I have the small things covered; I do not need God for little things. He is there for me when I need him, when I decide it is time to turn to him. If I can see God’s glorious design in the small things like the leaf, or the scent of my favorite flowers, or in the indescribable colors of a sunset, why can’t I believe He is in the small details of my life?
Why does it seem silly to me to turn to God when I am overwhelmed with cleaning my home or organizing paperwork, when I am scheduling our calendar and I have to decide what we are going to commit to in any given month, when I am just too tired to spend the time shopping for healthy foods and opt out for the convenience of take home? What about in the struggles of faith when my heart is hard and I know the bible answer but want to experience it in a greater way? Why do I think God will not show up there? Why do my prayers have to be so extreme? Why do I find it impossible that God would give me clarity and the energy to get my daily tasks done and provide a healthy meal for my family?
What am I afraid of surrendering? Self-sufficiency? My own plan? My will? I am sure most people think the answer is simple and turning to God in the small things is second nature to them but for whatever reason, I find it the most difficult thing to do. Maybe it is pride? Maybe I am too proud to admit that I cannot manage my life on my own, that I am not as efficient and capable as I have made myself believe. Maybe I do not believe God is interested in the details of my life? How gross and prideful is that? Maybe I do not really believe God likes me or desires to be with me?
That is a good one. That is a lie the enemy has been feeding me since I was a little girl and my friends did not stick around. I have heard that lie my entire life. I believed that about my mother, I believed it about my best friend in 2nd grade, my other best friend in 3rd grade, again in 4th, and in 5th…well any friend that ever entered my life eventually went away. Facebook actually saddens me. I look at my high school friends and can view their friends and they are all still connected. The same friends that hung out together in high school have the same friends on Facebook. I have not spoken to anyone from high school in exactly 19 years! Today I believe that about my brothers and sister who never contact me. I still believe it about my mother.
Sadly, I often hear the enemy tell me that my husband does not really like being around me, he just tolerates me. In moments of weakness and self-pity, this lie causes me to crumble into a Gina pity party and gives me “permission” to withhold from my husband. I often allow this lie to keep me from relationship with other women. I have a fear that they will get to know me, not like me and exit the relationship after I have poured my heart into it; just like in the past. As a result, I long for relationship but allow fear to overpower. I keep women at a safe distance, close enough to keep from being lonely but far enough to not be able to hurt me. I have however in the last two years taken huge risks in relationships and have made some wonderful friendships. I still fear that I keep them at a safer distance than I should but I know God is working on my heart there as well although I can see room for repentance, especially with my husband.
I do not have any resolution but I pray that I remain in this place as I work through the struggle. Am I really arrogant enough to believe that God’s word and promises are really for other people and not applicable to me? Am I willing to say it with my mouth because I am certainly saying it with my actions?
I want to be broken over the smallest of sin, even that which seems insignificant. I want to grieve not with worldly shame but a real broken heart over anything that separates me from God.