I can’t really believe it’s true but so it seems. I want to stomp my feet and throw myself on the floor just thinking about it.
Since 2002, I have moved six times. I moved from California to Colorado, from an apartment in Colorado into the basement of a friend, from Colorado to an apartment in Seattle, from that apartment into a run-down house in West Seattle, from that same run-down flooded home to a wonderful home in Tukwila, to my favorite home so far in North Seattle. My daughter has attended 8 different schools in that same time frame. Luckily for her, this upcoming move won’t affect her since she now attends an online school.
We moved into our current home in August last year. I had about 2 weeks’ notice in which to pack up our previous home where we had spent the last 2 ½ years. I was so convinced that we would spend the next several years in this perfect home that even though I was exhausted from moving, I found just enough energy to paint an office, three bedrooms, an enormous living room, dining room, hallway, and the tightest little bathroom imaginable within the first 2 months of living here. I fell in love with North Seattle and thanked God daily for such a blessing.
I learned last week that our landlord has decided to put our home on the market. Trying not to panic, I calmly made arrangements with him to show the home. The same day the home went on the market; my husband received a phone call from a friend wondering if we would be interested in renting their home in South Seattle. I had many mixed reactions but overall felt like this was a huge blessing and possibly God calling us back to the place we love so much. This home would possibly be available in June. I made arrangements with my landlord that we would show the home within 24 hours to whomever but he would have to let us out of our lease 2 months early so we could move into this other home. I made it through the weekend by pondering the move into this new home and allowing my heart to fall in love with the idea. What I didn’t know at the time was that this home was not an absolute yet.
I woke up Monday morning with the heavy realization of the possibility that the home we live in could sell at any moment and we could possibly not have a clue as to where we were going. I don’t do so well with uncertainty. So I quickly turned to my husband and told him “you need to solidify our plans to move south, immediately! There was no way I could handle the uncertainly and stress of not knowing where we were going to live. I needed to know and the sooner you do this the sooner I could just relax and not fret.” My husband, always looking to Jesus, said that I just needed to trust God and be patient to which I replied that I wasn’t looking for a bible answer to my dilemma.
Oh, the heart can be ugly when it wants what it wants. It’s not that I don’t know that I need to trust God, that was a “duh” for me. What I “needed” from my husband was to for him to take me into his arms and console me and tell me how much he understood how stressful this was for me and if there was anything he could do to make it easier for me he was willing. I managed to express my disgust for his lack of compassion and quickly left the room to start my not-so-great Monday morning.
If you can’t tell by now, I have control issues. I have had them probably since birth but in the last four years my loving husband has taken many opportunities to show me what a control-freak I really am. God has worked wonders on me and to some extent I have responded in humility and obedience, but mostly I still stomp my feet and stand in resistance.
I can tell you that I want to trust in God more than anything, I truly desire this. But living it out in real life tends to look different. God has shown Himself so faithful and has blessed me when I clearly did not deserve to be blessed. Why is it so hard to imagine that He would want the absolute best for me? Why do I resist Him so?
The answer must lie in what I truly worship and from my temper-tantrums it’s clear that I am more in love with the little kingdom of Gina than I am with the awesome Kingdom of my Lord and Savior. Does Jesus promise me that I will be comfortable and live in the home of my dreams? No. Does He promise me that I won’t have to fret and worry? Well, actually he does. I’m reading A Quest for More right now and Paul David Tripp says “And worry never changes anything…At the end of an hour of anxious fretting, none of the things that I have worried about have changed a bit. Yet worry changes me. It is a cancer on my soul. Worry eats away my time, rest, strength, courage, hope, character, relationships, purpose, worship, joy, and satisfaction. It is a disease that is always terminal. It will never work.” There are many scripture versus about being anxious that smack me right between the eyes.
So I guess I am halfway there in that I am confessing my desire to worship what God has to offer me rather than God. What about repentance? When will I turn from fretting and anxiety and just believe God’s word and worship Him without any motivation?